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“Stop being so… nervous all the time?” He clears his throat. “You were always worried when we were younger. And I’ve noticed that now it’s like you can tackle anything. You’re never scared.”
He’s right. In school, I was always anxious. I take a deep breath. I knew this conversation would have to happen eventually if we kept being around each other. “When I started college, I finally talked to my doctor about it.” I don’t add that his leaving played a huge part in me taking that step. I’m not going to blame him for how I felt. “And they diagnosed me with social anxiety. So, I started taking medication and learning different coping skills.”
“Coping skills?”
“Yeah, like the 5-4-3-2-1 method. Five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. You relax and start with the five things and work your way through. Or meditation. That’s helpful to some people.”
His eyes flash, realization hitting. “So the song we used to sing about the months…”
“Yeah, that was a way I found to cope on my own, apparently. Some people do. It’s like a survival instinct.”
“You’re so brave.” He squeezes my hand. “Opening up about how you feel, taking charge to make yourself happy.”
I squeeze his hand back. “I don’t know about me being brave, but it’s definitely been worth it. It would be for you too, you know. If you think you should talk to someone.”
“I’m not sure about that yet. I’ll think about it.”
“Are you coming or not?” Gwen yells from the kitchen. “On second thought, neither of you should be coming right now. Food’s gonna get cold. Wait till after breakfast.”
Jack’s head snaps toward the kitchen, then back to me, his expression incredulous. “She’s like a different woman.”
“Well, regardless of what’s happening, I’m hungry. Let’s go.”
I drag him into the kitchen, ready to dig in but still pondering his words of me being brave. I never would have used that word to describe my actions. I just wanted to survive despite my body and brain waging war against me. I like it, though, thinking of myself as brave.
* * *
“You’re late, girl.” Papaw shakes his head at me, but his eyes are sparkling mischievously.
“I know, I know.” I elbow him as I pull on my gardening gloves. “I’ll stay longer today to make up for it.” I glance down, glad I wore a dress. Even though it’s already the end of September, it’s still a little hot when working outside.
“I’ll forgive you if you give me all the details, how’s that?” He wipes his forehead with his arm, avoiding getting the dirt on his face.
“Nosy,” I tease him as we get to work on the corn field. Today we’re testing the maze ourselves, making sure it can actually be solved. We open for the season in two days, and it would really suck for people to get stuck with no way out.
“You didn’t come home last night. I think I deserve a little gossip.”
I can’t help but have a little fun. “If you must know, I spent the night at Jack’s.”
His face splits into the biggest grin, lighting up his whole face, and he claps his hands together, dirt flying everywhere. “I knew it. I told your mamaw that’s where you were. The past few months, you’ve been very nice to each other.”
Nice isn’t the word I would use. Polite, maybe. “I—”
“I’ve been rooting for the two of you to reconcile. You know we’ve always loved him.”
“Papaw.” I hate to burst his bubble. The bright morning sun highlights all his wrinkles, and his beard and mustache are now snow white. We even teased him about dressing up as Santa Claus this year.
“Don’t worry, I’ll keep quiet. It’s your business.” He mimics zipping his lips and throwing away the key. “Now come on. This maze won’t solve itself. Oh, well, it might.”
I’ll let him think what he wants for today, and I’ll correct the situation when we’re done working. We’ve just solved the maze for the third time when a cheerful whistling fills the air. Papaw is going through to check for any tripping hazards, while I pick a few ears of corn for Mamaw to make for dinner tomorrow. I peep out from between the stalks to see Jack heading over. Shit. He isn’t supposed to be here today. I rip off my gloves, throw them down, and push through the plants in an attempt to reach him before my grandfather can bring up our new relationship.
When I reach him, I’m a bit out of breath, and I put my hands on my knees, inhaling deeply.
“You okay?” He tucks his phone into his back pocket, watching me with narrowed eyes.
I straighten, planting my hands on my hips. “Just a little out of breath. I’m fine. What are you doing here?”
“I thought you might like some help with the maze.” He peers around me, waving at Papaw with a smile.
