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Sounds like he’s convincing himself more than me, but that’s not my business.
He continues. “And I’m sorry I called you crazy. That was uncalled for.”
“It was.”
He’s quiet after that, so finally I say, “Time’s up” and walk away from the door, heading to my bedroom. I don’t owe him anything, least of all an acceptance of his apology.
I curl up in my bed and grab my phone, trying to decide if I want to call anyone. Finally, I just send Phoebe a text.
Me: I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore.
Phoebe: Take a nap. When you wake up, you’ll feel better.
I shake my head, laughing at her response. She’s always ready for a nap. I set an alarm on my phone, taking her advice. At this point, what could it hurt? Just as I settle in and get comfortable, my doorbell rings again. Good lord, I can’t even get a nap. I hope it’s not Parker again. I’ve had enough of that situation for the day.
I check my phone for the ring camera and see that it’s Jack. He’s running a hand through his hair and staring off into space. I begrudgingly crawl out of bed, a sign of how much I still feel for this man, as I was extremely comfortable, and when I make it to the door and open it for him, my heart softens completely. Because his eyes are frantic and he’s wringing his fingers together. The signs are obvious at once: Jack is having a panic attack.
I take his hand, pull him into my house, and shut the door. I cup his face in my hands, turning his eyes until they’re locked on mine. “Jack, hey. Hey. It’s okay, I’m here.”
How the tables have turned, me being the one to calm him down. We sit on my sofa, facing each other, and for a split second I’m not sure how or where to start or what might work for him. As if by instinct, I start singing the month song.
“January, February, March…”
He joins in on July, barely mouthing the words, but by the time we reach December, his grip on my hands has eased up a bit. He releases a deep breath, his chest relaxing as if holding that breath in was the hardest work he’d ever done.
I don’t want to speak first, so I just wait, holding his hands and stroking the tops of them with my thumbs. He’ll talk when he’s ready.
“I know we were going to take some space for a moment, but I came to see you.” He breathes in, then out slowly. “And Parker was leaving.”
I nod, waiting out the rest of his story. I don’t want to interrupt, and obviously what he needs to say is important to him.
“I panicked again, just for a moment. And my instinct was to run.” He hangs his head. “I’m an idiot.”
“You’re not an idiot, Jack. You’re human. And your feelings are valid. For what it’s worth, Parker didn’t even come inside my house. He apologized through the door and left. I didn’t accept his apology, though.”
“You don’t owe me an explanation. I just didn’t want to run again. You were right the other day, about how I ran in high school. And I ran when we kissed in the maze. I think…” He clears his throat, sitting up straight. “Rachel, I want to give this a real try. But I don’t want to do it if I’m not at my best.”
My heart sinks a little. Is he breaking this off before we could even get started?
“So I’m going to get some help. I think I need to start seeing someone, a therapist, and deal with what’s going on in my head. My parents, too. I’m sure that’s a part of my issues as well. That way I’m the best version of myself possible for you.”
“Okay, for a second I thought that was going to go the other way, and I won’t lie, I was going to be super sad.” I laugh softly, leaning to press my forehead against his. “Absolutely. I think you’re making the right decision. And I’ll be with you every step of the way.”
FIFTEEN
It’s three days until Halloween, and I’m a nervous wreck. Because we’re at the county fair awaiting the announcement of who grew the biggest pumpkin this year.
Parker never called with the results, and that was fine with all of us. But that means we have no idea what’s about to happen. And if Rachel doesn’t win, I don’t know if I can stand her sadness. It’s a big deal to her, so it’s a big deal to me.
We round the corner to the displays, and I’m shocked at the size of some of these pumpkins. There are different categories, and thankfully, we’re not in the larger groups or none of us would be winning anything. Rachel’s walking with her grandfather ahead of Faye and me, and she’s wringing her fingers together. She wants to win so badly. We crowd into the area before the makeshift stage, and when the announcer takes the stage, Faye nudges me.
I lean over and she whispers in my ear. “That’s Parker’s wife.”
Oh shit. Well, maybe none of us are winning anyway. Surely she wouldn’t be that bitter.
“Hello, everyone. I’m Nicole Scott, and I’m one of the organizers of the competition for the county fair. First of all, thank you for coming and supporting our farmers tonight. It means a lot to them and to us.” There’s a large amount of applause, so she pauses, smiling around. “Now, I’ll be announcing the winners.”
She gets through the tiniest pumpkin, the coolest shape of a pumpkin, and more. “And now, the first-place winner of the largest pumpkin in our mid-size class is… Rachel Sorrell!” She doesn’t falter, her smile staying perfectly in place, but there’s something in her tone that changes when she says my girl’s name. A protective growl simmers in my chest, but I remind myself of all the things I’ve been discussing with my therapist. Plus, Rachel is a grown woman, as she likes to remind me, and I shouldn’t jump to conclusions on her behalf.
