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“You have to be sick to throw up,” said Rainier. “Or pregnant.” Aunty had once said she’d thrown up a lot while pregnant with Natalie, and she’d lost so much weight due to that.
“You can make yourself throw up.” Addy wore an expression like she’d found a great treasure. “If we’re careful about sneaking stuff, we can eat whatever we want and simply get rid of it. I’ve practiced. The cook's been giving me brownies all week, and I’ve been throwing them up along with dinner too. I think my waist is smaller, so that means it works. It’s not as small as Natalie’s, but I’ll keep doing it until I’m thinner than her.”
“But she’s younger.”
“It doesn’t matter. She’s a twig, and I have to look like that too. Mum never says she looks fat.”
Rainier looked her up and down. He was pretty sure her dress fit like any other young lady her age, and despite Mum’s words, he couldn’t see what she saw. “But you don’t look fat either.”
“Yes, I do! Why do you think Mum keeps saying it? For her health?”
Addy told him to tie his hair back so it wouldn’t get in the way because nobody wanted puke in their hair. She handed him a ribbon to use and started to put up her long black locks. While Rainier gathered his back, he stared at himself in the looking glass. Was he plump too like Mum said? Maybe he couldn’t see it because he didn’t want that to be the truth.
She showed him how by sticking the wooden end of the brush down her throat. She said the trick was to keep it there even though it made her heave and gag, and wiggling it helped. He watched in partial disgust as she vomited down the privy. He was also partially fascinated because he hadn’t known that anyone could force themselves to puke.
Once she was sure everything was gone, she had him try, but when he stuck the slim piece of wood back there, he immediately heaved and panicked, so he pulled it out.
“You have to keep doing it and practice. Dinner won’t fall out of you in one go.”
He hated it. Sticking the wood back there made his gut heave, his eyes watered, and he felt sick even though nothing actually came up. She didn’t let him quit, and he finally managed to get some chunky liquid out.
She said that would have to do for now, but he’d have to keep at it.
It grew easier with practice, although he was pretty sure he wasn’t getting out as much as her. Food didn’t taste the same or nearly as good on the way out like it did when it went in, and the acid burned his throat. Addy said he was doing better, and soon, they’d both be skinnier. They could eat what they wanted and never get fat.
They did it together every night after dinner, and while he hated puking, he liked doing something with his sister again. It was their own special thing. When they finished, they’d use the bristle end of the brush for its intended purpose to clean their teeth with a gritty paste that contained crushed mint. Addy said she felt lighter afterward, and she wondered if Natalie secretly did this too because she was quite skinny.
Rainier still didn’t like the act of vomiting, and it made him guilty because if Mum knew, she’d say they were hiding their lack of restraint. Addy started eating more when they snuck snacks, but she would throw it all up. Eventually, she didn’t even need the brush anymore. She could use her fingers.
It seemed so easy for her. Rainier wondered if he was so lacking in control, that was why it was harder for him. He stopped eating snacks and only threw up his dinners.
Addy started getting rid of lunch, and after a time, he was sure she puked away breakfast too. She showed Rainier how the waist of her dress was looser, and she had to tighten her corset quite a bit now.
She looked skinnier to him, and he had to go down a hole on his belt, but the nagging continued. Mum wouldn’t stop no matter what.
What scared him was that Addy seemed different to him in other ways after a while. Her skin didn’t look so clear and healthy as before. Her hair seemed a bit limp, and she complained that quite a lot came out when she brushed it. Despite growing thinner, her cheeks would get puffy, and if Mum noticed, she’d say that’s what eating too much did.
He was sure vomiting so much wasn’t healthy. Natalie was skinny too, but whenever he saw her, she was always glowing with health. He wondered if he should say something to Mum, but he was too scared. She’d yell at Addy like usual, and it’d be his fault.
Food was supposed to have important things they needed to keep their body going, and if his sister was getting rid of everything, what would her body use?
He asked her to stop and suggested they only throw up dinner together. They could skip all snacks too. She said she liked eating, and she loved that she could eat whatever in her room, and Mum didn't have to know as long as she cleaned up and puked afterward. He begged her, but she still refused.
A servant found her dead one morning in the privy with bloody vomit on the wooden seat.
He knew he’d never forget Mum’s scream when she found out. The physician couldn’t figure out what happened. Had she been ill?
Mum said she didn’t know of anything wrong, and she demanded answers from Rainier. He finally admitted what they’d been doing and how Addy had been vomiting more than him. Mum raged at him for keeping such a secret, blamed him, and said it was all his fault that his sister was dead. He should have said something instead of keeping it a secret.
With the truth in the open, the physician said such repeated vomiting must have broken her stomach. Puking made it contract, and repeatedly doing that would surely weaken it and make it rupture. That explained the blood, and if she’d bled inside, there was often no hope. Even a good healer couldn’t stop that unless they cut her open. Vomiting could also strain the heart.
Mum raged at the Goddess for taking her husband and her daughter. She screamed at Rainier since he’d been puking too, although not nearly as much. When she grew tired of that, she barely spoke to him for weeks.
He didn’t want sweets anymore. He was too scared to throw up again in case he died like that too and couldn’t heal himself.
When he sat on the swing, the space beside him seemed too vast and unfillable. Mum kept Addy’s rooms exactly the same as if she were simply on holiday somewhere, but that made her absence even worse to him. Sometimes, he curled up and cried on her bed while the guilt ate him from the inside out.
He should have said something.
