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Rainier slept more than normal for a couple of days and mostly refused to eat. Felix tried to be patient even though anxiety gnawed on his gut. Rainier couldn’t afford to lose more weight.
He made Rainier sit on the couch one evening and brought in a plate of food.
“I’m not eating that,” he said as soon as he saw the contents. “That’ll make me sick.”
Felix sat next to him. “I’m not expecting you to eat it all. We’re going to share, and that’s why there’s so much. You would probably be sick if you tried to pack that all down. Here’s your fork.”
Rainier squinted as he took it. “Why not make two plates?”
“I think you’re very set on eating a certain amount that you measure in your head. A slice of bread. Two slices. Half of a plate. A third. You can’t seem to eat a whole plate of food at dinner, and I don’t think you’ve eaten a whole, proper meal in a long time, have you?”
“I ate the toasted bread earlier.”
“Because I make you. When’s the last time you had a full dinner on a plate with normal portions and ate the entire thing?”
“I don’t exactly remember when, but I was a teenager.”
“Eat and don’t worry about what’s left. If I made you a portion, you’d refuse to go past half I bet.”
Felix held the plate so they could both reach it, although he had to use his left with the fork. Rainier looked doubtful as he poked a piece of chicken. Everything had already been cut up, the mash with gravy could be scooped, and the beans didn’t need cutting. White sauce had been added to the chicken.
Rainier chewed everything so thoroughly, it took a while, and Felix tried to match his pace. If he didn’t, he’d end up eating more than he wanted. He wasn’t even sure if this would work, but he figured what was left had to be important to Rainier. A lot left over meant he’d resisted and shown self-control, and a little meant he’d been a pig. Maybe with someone eating from the same plate, it would help.
It was slow-going, and they hadn’t gotten through half before Rainier rested his fork on the edge.
“I don’t like this.”
“The food or the idea?”
“I’d rather have my meals alone. I know you want me to eat, but maybe it’d be better if I did it on my own. I still don’t like eating in front of you or anyone for that matter.”
“I don't want you tossing it out the window or throwing it in the privy.”
“If you’ll let me eat alone, I won’t do that. I’ll try to eat more too.”
Felix hesitated. Maybe his original idea had been dumb, and he should let Rainier try this instead. “Okay, but you’ll get a big plate with a lot of food.”
“What for?”
“If you have a little portion, you’ll only eat a little amount. I want half of it to be eaten, and I’ll eat what’s left so we’re not wasting food. If you agree to that, you can be alone during meals. I know it’s hard, and I can’t expect you to suddenly start eating like I do, but you need to try and get more food into your body.”
Rainier seemed to be thinking that over and struggling with it the more seconds passed by. Even if he wouldn’t eat it all, having a big meal must have been a miserable prospect.
“Fine.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Rainier failed for the next week and the week after that. Surprisingly, Felix didn’t seem angry. Rainier thought he would, but he couldn’t bring himself to eat exactly half of the big meals. With snacks, he was sure he could feel fat forming on his body after every bite.
He almost cried one evening while he studied himself in the looking glass. He shouldn’t care, but he was also failing Mum’s expectations because he had gained. Even if he didn’t eat normally, he was still consuming more than before. He was failing Felix because he hadn’t been able to finish half of each meal. The physician seemed disappointed when he came to check and said Rainier just needed to eat because it wasn’t that hard, and he was being silly at this point.
Felix had told him to get out after that comment and called him an idiot.
Rainier was also failing because he had no energy to do the office work, and Felix had been trying to keep things together somehow. He didn’t have experience at such things, and it wasn’t fair for him to have it all piled on him.
Sometimes, when Rainier woke up in the morning, he felt relief. Mum wouldn’t yell at him that day. She wouldn’t give him that look that made him feel as big as a house, or a lecture on self-control. Guilt would follow for being relieved that she was gone. What kind of son did that? It had only worsened earlier when he’d read a letter from Betty.
