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His Aunt and cousin were surprised by the events, but they weren’t angry at him for taking over. Betty said it would have been utterly ridiculous to take Rainier off the throne and put Natalie in his place. She didn’t want it anyway.
Mum was staying with them and acting like Rainier was dead to her. Natalie had written and seemed to think all of his actions were just. Betty said he should let his Mum come back.
You only get one Mother.
She won’t say it, but I’m sure she’s devastated.
You’re her only child now.
He wouldn’t be surprised if Betty came banging on the front door tomorrow. He was surprised they hadn’t rushed up here to visit already, but maybe Natalie was keeping her at bay. He couldn’t deal with family right now.
The letter still made him feel like more of a failure. He’d kicked his own Mum out, and while he tried to remind himself that everything they’d done that day had been required and partly for Felix’s safety, it made the weight in his chest heavier.
He sat on a stool in front of the long looking glass. Some of the edges had softened a little after trying to eat his meals and the snacks. Felix hadn’t let up on the almond milk and toasted bread.
All of that self-control he had was slipping away. Maybe he’d touch Felix one day and see nothing but disgust on his face.
Felix came in with his sleep clothes on. “What are you doing?”
Rainier’s throat tightened. “Did you find me disgusting when we met?”
“No! I think it’s clear we like the same thing. If I thought you were some gross pervert, I wouldn’t have come with you.”
“Not a pervert. I mean how I looked. I weighed more.”
“I thought you were someone who couldn’t gain weight, but not disgusting.” Felix crouched by him. “There’s not deathly thin and fat with nothing between.”
“I can’t even do the office work. I’m failing everyone.”
“You’ve managed to eat a little more lately, so you’re not failing me. As long as you sit and try to eat…” Felix tilted his head. “Besides, who’s everyone? Fuck everyone.”
“You saw the letter Betty wrote.”
“She wants peace in the family, and she’s probably bothered by what you did becauseshecouldn’t imagine doing that to Natalie or anyone. You need to do what’s best for you even if someone else doesn’t understand it. You’re living your life.”
Felix scooted to get in front of him, and he snatched the drying sheet to wrap around Rainier’s shoulders. “You’ve got goosebumps, and staring at yourself isn’t helping.”
“I look fatter. I can see it, and it’s only going to get worse. I don’t know how to do what you want and not feel like a disgusting pig.”
Felix cupped his face. “I know you’re not going to suddenly forget everything Mum said to you, but it will get better. Also, I think we should get rid of the looking glasses. Judging yourself by your looks isn’t helping, and it’s distorted. What are you going to do when you look like before? When we met, I mean?”
“Feel like a sow.”
“That’s why I think we should get rid of them for a bit.”
“All right.”
If it made Felix happy, why not? He could still see and feel his own body, so he wasn’t sure how that was supposed to help. He already felt like a sow.
“You haven’t even asked me for sex,” he said as Felix hugged him.
“Because you shouldn’t be wasting your energy. It has nothing to do with how you look, and I’m not with you just for sex. Of course, when you do have more energy and seem to be doing better overall in the future, I’d like for you to pound me into the bed so I can’t walk straight afterward.”
Rainier snorted. He wasn’t sure if he could manage sex now anyway.
“I'll always be your Kitten,” Felix whispered to him.
***
