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The ski resort has one slope covered with man-made snow. There are a few ski bunnies out in their Day-Glo gear, carving down the hill like highlighters on white paper. Above the skiers, all of the lifts are going, filled with people who want the best view of the fall colors in the state.
Charlie and I buy an hour pass and take four trips up and down the mountain. The valley in which Bevington nestles is a bowl of luminous yellows, oranges, reds, purples, and dark greens. A pocketful of autumnal gems. I hold Charlie’s hand and lean into his shoulder as we make our slow way up and down the mountain. I tell him about some of the places future-Teddy traveled and how much I want to see them all.
He slides his arm around my shoulders, holding me closer than he usually does. “We’ll get there, bean. Maybe California this summer and then, who knows? Before we got together and I was thinking I’d be alone at Bevvy for four years, I was looking at some junior year abroad programs. There’s a school in Japan that’s got a good lacrosse team. You wanna see Japan?”
“Fuck, yeah.”
Charlie tips his head back into the bright, golden sunshine and smiles. He didn’t shave this morning and the sun picks out each hair on his square jaw and turns it to spun gold. “Somethin’ to keep in mind. Bevvy’s a pressure cooker. Addlestone was, too. But it’s a big world, bean. We’re not stuck in this little corner of it. We can go anywhere.” He kisses the side of my head and sighs. “And if it gets too painful to stay at Bevvy, we can transfer somewhere in the spring.”
“Do you want to?” I ask, as my heart leaps into my throat. Transferring to another school would make whatever decision I make about Gabe and Darwin very, very final.
“Nah. I like Bevvy. I’d miss my mates and Coach. I’d misshim. But I’d do it for you. Just as long as it’s not back to England. Manchester’s no good for you, bean. Nowwat you’ve been away for a coupla months, you gotta see that.”
“I do,” I admit. “I’m sorry I was so mad at you for bringing me to Bevvy. I’m better here, aren’t I?”
“Uh-huh. Nothin’ against your brothers, but you were getting to be just like them. Angry all the time, lashin’ out at everyone, too focused on the hustle and blag. I barely saw you smile that last year we were together. That’s not what I want for you. You were in survival-mode. And I get it. I understand why now. But it’s not right. You shouldn’t have to be afraid of the people who are supposed to love you. You should have a place to go every night where you feel safe. I wanna give that to you, bean.”
I tuck my head into the crook of his neck. “Chaz.”
“This week, we’ll look at flats for next semester. Off campus. Away from all the reminders. Little birdy told me you want a fireplace. If that’s what you want, that’s what we’ll find. I don’t want you to feel like you’re settling or giving anything up by being with just me, if that’s how it shakes out.”
I shift on the ski-lift’s narrow seat until I can put my arms around Charlie’s chest. “Never, Chaz. I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel that way.”
“Nah, it’s my own fault. I’ve been on the back foot all semester. I reckoned I’d have more time to let you settle in and see how nice it is here. I thought once you were away from all the lads back home, I could convince you that I’m the one you need. But you got together with Gabe so fucking fast. I blinked and you were all in with him. And then all the shite with Darwin rained down on us. I never had a chance to take a breath. But I had eleven days thinkin’ the worst might have happened. That I might never see you again and all I’d done with the time we had together was be your fallback guy. I’m not gonna be that numpty again. I’ve always been the one who had your back. This is me steppin’ up to stand beside you.”
“Charlie.” I rub his chest through the turtleneck and cozy hoodie he’s wearing under an unzipped puffy coat. This is the most introspection I’ve heard out of him. Believing I was gone has fueled some of it, but that’s not everything. “I never doubted you, mate. Even when things were shite between us, I always knew you were there for me. I wish I’d been as good a friend to you as you were to me. I wasn’t there for you and I shoulda been. I keep telling Darwin everything with him is you-you-you, but I’m no better. I’ve been all me-me-me with you. What doyouwant, Chaz?”
Charlie chuckles. “I’m easy. I just want to be with you and play lacrosse. Whenever I got you and my game, I’m happy.”
Charlie’s stepping up to stand beside me. I can be brave enough to do the same. To ask the hard questions that open us up to true communication. To really understanding each other. “Are you happy without Gabe?”
Charlie kisses the side of my head. “If I’m bein’ honest with you like I said I’d be? No. Not right now. I miss him. He was more than my bezzie-mate. We were starting to figure out everything that might be between us, and I liked where we were going. But he clearly didn’t feel the same way. I won’t lie to you and tell you that didn’t hurt. Because it fucking did. Whole world became a big ball of pain. Without you. Without him.”
He takes a deep, shuddering breath and I rub his chest, wishing I could have done something, anything, to let him know he wasn’t alone and that I was coming back to him, no matter what it took.
“That’s the thing that makes me angriest, Chaz. When I first told you about the future I Time-Walked to, how Gabe was alone and you weren’t there, you told me to go back and find out what happened because if you lost me, you’d hold on to Gabe tighter. Those words were with me every day while I was trapped in the future. I wasn’t worried about the two of you because I thought you’d be there for each other. To come back and find that he dropped you and went off with Darwin ... I can’t understand it. And I’m not sure I can forgive it.”
Charlie squeezes my shoulders. “I don’t hold grudges the way you do. You know that. And you know I’ve been seeing him. We’re lads. We don’t talk about deep shite when we’re meeting up in the fucking loo, but it helps. Better than nothing, anyway.”
I’ve kept myself from asking about Gabe. If I want to know how he is, I should grab my ovaries and go see him. But here in Charlie’s arms, with the cold nipping my nose and fingertips, so far above the campus that all I can see are a collection of toy houses among the pines, it feels okay to ask.
“How is he?”
“Thought you didn’t want to know. You haven’t asked.”
I nuzzle into his warm neck. “I’m trying to be brave here.”
He chuckles. “I’ll tell you again, you’re no coward. Never have been. I’m not gonna sugar-coat it for you, bean. He’s wrecked. He cries every time he asks about you. I spend a lot of time hugging him—”
“Wait, you touch him?”
“’Course I do. He ghosted me, not the other way around. ‘Sides, how long can you be around Gabe and not hug him?”
Less than a minute, which is why I’ve kept away.
“Charlie, what about howyoufeel?”
He huffs out a laugh. “You want me to talk about myfeelings?”
