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“Yeah, I do.”
“Aww, bean, you know me. I just want everyone to get along—”
I push up off his chest and cup his bristly cheek. “Don’t do that with me. I know you’re easygoing, Chaz. I know you want to be everyone’s friend. I know you see yourself as the rock of our relationship. But even rocks crack. How doyoufeel?”
His eyes flash gold.
“I’m fucking angry,” he says, his jaw feathering.
“You have every right to be. He ditched when you needed him.”
Charlie nods, his throat working.
“He chose Darwin over you,” I press on. “Over us.”
Charlie’s jaw knots like hardwood.
“Let it out,” I urge.
I’m still shocked when Charlie lets loose with a scream that everyone in a tri-state area must hear. He follows it with a bellow of anger, “Fuck them!”
“You tell them, man!” Someone in one of the ski lifts below us shouts back.
Charlie and I dissolve into laughter.
He crushes me back against his chest. “That felt fucking good.”
“You’ve been bottling it up.”
“Yeah, I guess.” He clears his throat, his voice deep and rough. “I’m never gonna be the guy who lets his emotions all hang out, bean. That’s not me. And I’ve had a lot of practice acting like I’m fine when I’m not. But I’ll try not to keep such a tight lid on it anymore. That’s part of the whole honesty thing, innit?”
“Yeah.” I sigh and cuddle into him, tucking my hand under the edge of his coat to keep my fingers warm. “I think we need some sparring to work off all this righteous fury.”
“Sounds good to me,” Charlie agrees.
“And I don’t care what anyone says, I’m going back to volunteering with Evanda Hale. I need to do things that make me feel good. You have that with your team. I need it, too.”
And I need to find a way to keep my promises to my future-boys and Callan. Evanda Hale’s the key to that. I’m not sure why I’m so certain of that, but I am.
“I won’t argue with you. I just wanna go with.”
“That’s a deal. Omigod, you will die for the snacks one of the directors makes. Dog’s bollocks, mate.”
“Can’t believe you were scranning the good stuff and didn’t bring any back for me. I’ve been stuck with low fat, no salt popcorn here.”
“Bullshite. You’ve been comfort-eating while I was gone. I know you.”
Charlie laughs. A real, deep, belly laugh.
“We’re going to be okay, aren’t we?” I ask when his chuckles die down.
“We are.” He kisses the side of my head. “Might not be right away. But one morning, we’ll wake up and he won’t be our first thought. We’ll feel something other than hurt that he’s not there.”
I hateeverything about what he’s just said.
It’s not that I’m trying to wallow in my rage. It’s that when I let it go, I know I’ll be letting go of a thread of what’s keeping me tied to Gabe. First the rage will go. Then the grief will go. Then the loss. Thread by thread. I’ll heal. I’ll be scarred; I may always be a little less than I could have been. Like I was when I lost mum. I’m not the same person I would have been if she’d stayed; I won’t be the same person I could have been if I’d kept Gabe. I’ll always be a little smaller, a little sadder, a little less ready to trust, a little slower to love. But I’ll survive without him.
And Ihatethat thought.
