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“I know I’m still an outsider. I don’t know everything that’s gone on between you and obviously things are still strained. But it seems like you have different expectations about your power exchange. Gabe and Charlie expect you to be submissive whenever sex is on the table. You’re only submissive when you’re happy with them. As soon as there’s tension, you try to take control. That’s not going to work.”
“So, you’re saying I need to do what they say all the time?”
“No, I’m saying you need to define your power exchange better. When are you submissive? What do you want to get out of it? I don’t think you’ve asked those questions of each other and it is leading to situations where you feel like they’re asking too much of you and they’re aggravated by your refusal to submit.”
We’re all quiet again for a tick.
Although criticism is never fun to hear, everything Darwin’s said feels right.
“I see your point,” I say slowly.
“Why don’t you ask us what we want from you, Teddy?” Gabe asks, still working his magic on my foot.
Although this conversation is pretty weird—it’s evidently a night for conversations I’ve never had before—I’m game. I don’twantto be at odds with my lads.
“What d’you want from me?” I ask.
“Charlie, do you want to answer first?” Gabe prompts.
Charlie nods. “I want you to look to me as well as Gabe. And Darwin, I guess, if you’re going to play with him the same way. I know I’m new to these games, but I don’t like being second best. I want the same respect you give Gabe.”
I hold my hand out to him. “I’m sorry, Chaz. Darwin’s right that I felt like you were askin’ too much of me. But I see what you’re saying. I want to play with both of you—all three of you if that’s what Darwin wants—and I don’t ever want you to feel like you’re second best. You’ve been there for me every step of the way and you deserve better from me. I’m sorry for disrespecting you.”
Charlie takes my hand and squeezes my fingers. “You’re forgiven. How about we try this, when I want to start playing with you, I’ll use a certain word—”
“Bananas,” I offer.
Charlie pauses and tilts his head at me, green eyes puzzled. “Bananas?”
“You want gorilla instead?” I ask.
Gabe, always ready to follow my weird-arse humor wherever it leads, laughs. “If we’re picking a scene word, I vote for bananas.”
That finally breaks the tension and everyone chuckles.
“Is that what you had in mind?” I ask Darwin.
“It’s a start. If you’re only submissive in certain circumstances, it’s important everyone knows when they are.”
I look from him to Gabe. “You were only submissive in certain circumstances, right?”
Gabe lowers his head and I wonder if I’ve done the wrong thing, bringing this up. But we’ve got to clear the air about Darwin and Gabe’s past sometime.
“I wanted a full-time power exchange,” Darwin says quietly. “I pushed Gabe into it. It never worked for him.”
“It never worked for me because I wanted a relationship beyond sex. If I can have that, I’d be open to doing it full-time,” Gabe responds.
The boys exchange a long, loaded glance. Darwin finally looks away and nods.
“Can I ask a question?”
“Of course, Teddy,” Gabe says. Charlie squeezes my fingers again.
“What’s the difference between what you’re talking about and what you and me were doing, taking our games outside the bedroom?”
“Structure,” Gabe says. “I need to know where I stand, particularly with Dar. I’m okay being more flexible with you. But if I’m going to submit, I need to know what’s expected of me and when.”
“Why are you okay being more flexible with me?” I ask.
