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But a daughter of a Spade? I’m given to another Spade brother. The next generation. In three weeks, my father will gift me to a Spade brother as an offering to his Lords. I don’t know who it will be, but I know who I want. And the way he looked at my body at the party when I was dripping wet out of the pool, I’d say he wants me too.
Saint is the one guy I dream about at night. He’s the one I imagine fucking me when I watch porn. He just has this way with his eyes. Like he’s always undressing me. I knew he was going to the party. I overheard my brother talking about it on the phone. So I made sure to go, and I wanted to be in the pool when he arrived. Am I poking the bear? Yes. Do I want to see what it’ll do once provoked? Also yes. But it backfired. I passed out when he drove me to my parents, and I woke up in my room all alone this morning. My car parked in the driveway without a text or call from him. Not like I expected one. I’m not his friend; my brother is. So I decided to watch some porn and try to relieve the pain between my legs that Saint left me with last night.
“Ashtyn!” my mother growls. “This is serious.”
“I’m a virgin, Mother,” I remind her. A part of us being a gift is that we have to bleed. The Lords are all about control. You spread your legs when you’re told to. You kneel when you’re told to. And you shut your fucking mouth when you’re told to. “Not sure why watching porn is so intolerable for you.” Lords kill people, and this is the hill she wants to die on? Sex? Pathetic.
“See…” she hisses. “This is what I’m dealing with. She has unrealistic expectations.”
I roll my eyes and turn back to face them. I’d say that Saint will fulfill my expectations and even raise them.
“Tell her,” my mother urges. “Tell her what to expect.”
The therapist sits back in her seat, her eyes meeting mine. “What doyouexpect to get out of sex?” she asks frankly.
“Off,” I answer, and my mother gasps. “From what I see, if he fucks you right, you get to come all over his dick.”
My mother rushes over to me and slaps me across the face. It’s not hard. She’s too weak to make it hurt. She’d have to actually eat a meal that isn’t liquid to have any strength. “You little bit—”
“It’s okay.” My mother’s therapist interrupts her. “Ashtyn.” She looks at me. “You understand porn isn’t real, right? It’s scripted just like anything else we see on TV.”
“She was watching a gang bang.” My mother grips her pearls. For being such a slut, she’s really an uptight bitch. I know she’s had her fair share of men. My father doesn’t care who has a piece of his wife. Anything to keep her out of his hair. They both fuck others. All my father cares about is his loyalty to the Lords. Nothing else matters. If he were required to set me on fire in front of them, he’d do it. Thankfully all I have to do is spread my legs and get fucked. “A gang bang,” she cries, covering her face with shaking hands.
“Better your odds. At least one dick has to be good.” I shrug.
My mother’s face turns red as can be, and she takes in a deep breath.
I mean, they can’t all be fake, right? I’ve watched so many women come on my phone and laptop. I’m sure an FBI agent has my name at the top of his list. I make sure all the sites I watch are legit, and the actors are of age, but it hasn’t helped my craving. The more degrading shit I find, the deeper I dig. I’ve heard porn can desensitize you. I believe it.
I just want to be touched, held, and feel skin to skin. I’m starving for something I’ve never even tasted. And I just know that once I’m able to get it, life will be better.
“Ashtyn, I’d like a moment with your mother, please.” The therapist gives me a soft smile.
I don’t need to be told twice. I walk out of her office and sit on the bench out in the hallway. My thighs clench, but I’ve never even touched myself. I’ve gotten off, of course, but it’s been with vibrating toys. Only on the outside. Nothing inside.
Not all chosens have to abstain from sex for her Lord. But I’m a chosen for a Spade brother. We have different rules. And one of them is I have to bleed for my Lord. Prove I was worthy of him. He’s gone three years without pussy. But the fuckers were able to fuck before then. I’m not sure which is worst. Never experiencing it or knowing what it’s like and having to go without.
“Let’s go.” My mother huffs, exiting the office and slamming the door shut behind her.
I follow her to the elevator, to the first floor and out to her Bugatti that my father bought her for Christmas last year. Once we’re in, I press my forehead to the warm glass.
“This isn’t about you, Ash.” She sighs heavily.
“Then why do you take me to see her with you?” I wonder.
“No. I mean the sex. A Lord—” She pauses. “A Lord takes what he wants when he wants it. It’s not up to you to enjoy. It’s up to you to serve.”
“Is there a difference?” I mumble. We’re raised to be needed. Being used sexually should be something we get out of it, if you ask me. I mean, without us, the Lords wouldn’t exist. We’re the ones who give birth to their children, adding to their numbers. The thought of being Saint’s sex toy sounds pretty satisfying to me.
Bringing the car to a stop, she grabs my shirt and gently pulls me to face her. Giving me a soft smile, she pushes my wild hair behind my ear and gently touches my cheek where she slapped me. “You don’t understand. And you won’t until it’s too late. Sex makes you feel things.”
Isn’t that the point? From what I’ve read, it’s euphoric. An out-of-body experience if done correctly.
“I just hate it.” She lowers her voice. “The fact that you have to be a virgin. If you’d experience it before, maybe it’d be different.”
I sit up straighter. “Why?”
“He’s not going to love you, honey,” she states bluntly.
