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Just hearing me say it out loud for the first time was enough to destroy me all at once.
I broke down.
Bawling.
Shaking.
Utterly defensive.
“I can’t do this,” I wept, fervently shaking my head while still sitting on his lap. “I’m only eighteen. You’re only eighteen. We can’t be parents. I can barely take care of myself, and what about college? I can’t have a baby in college. My dad is going to kill me, Ethan. He’s going to fucking kill me.”
“It’s okay.” He pulled me into the tightest hug. “You’re okay.”
I shoved him away and jumped off his lap to grab my dress and threw it on. This wasn’t what I wanted to hear. Although I didn’t even know what I wanted to hear. I was so confused. My mind raced with thoughts about the future. Question after question tore through my mind with no end in sight.
I couldn’t breathe.
I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
Simply reacting to his composed demeanor, I snapped, “I’m far from okay, Ethan!”
He raised his hands in a surrendering gesture. “We’ll figure it out.”
“How are you not freaking out?”
Ignoring my question, he asked, “Did you take a test?”
I winced, shaking my head again. “I was too scared of what it would say.”
He hesitantly nodded. “That’s the first thing we need to do.”
“But what if—”
“Livvy, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. First, we need to make sure you’re not just late because you’ve been stressing out about moving. It could be from that.”
“But what if it isn’t?”
He shrugged. “Then it isn’t.”
“That’s all you have to say?”
“For now, yes.”
Unable to control my reckless emotions, I bit, “How could we let this happen? How, Ethan?! I’m on the pill! I take it at the same time every day like fucking clockwork. This can’t be happening. It just can’t! This has to be a bad dream! We can’t be parents!”
I was at my wit’s end. The thread I was hanging onto ripped in half and I couldn’t for the life of me find any comfort in what he was saying. If anything, it just further pissed me off.
Spitting fire, I roared, “This isn’t happening to you!” I sternly pointed at myself. “This is happening to me! It’s my body! I’m the one who’s going to have to go through everything.”
He abruptly stood, buckling his shorts.
“It’s so easy for the guy! This changes my entire life, Ethan! Every last second of it!”
I knew I was being irrational, but I couldn’t help it. This didn’t feel like his problem. It only felt like mine, and I couldn’t see past that.
“You need to calm down. We don’t even know if you’re pregnant yet. This could be—”
“We should have never had sex to begin with! How did we let it get this far? We were reckless to think we could handle something like this.”
