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Every time I promised myself it was the last time.
Every time it wasn’t, the self-loathing grew until I was trapped in this vicious cycle with no way out. I was fighting an invisible opponent, waging a silent war on myself and all the while the outside world got to see me thrive.
To them, I was someone strong and accomplished. A perfectionist to whom everything came easily.
If only they knew how I was destroying myself in my own head.
What started as a need for control devolved into a complete lack of it. Rational thought was replaced by a cruel voice in my head that sounded like me but wasn’t, and this mental itch that grew worse the more I tried to ignore it.
I erected walls around myself. To protect myself from the pain my parents caused me, from the judgment and outside commentary, but also to keep anyone from finding out about my most shameful secret.
Safe behind my walls, no one can hurt me.
No one can see the weakness that lies just beneath the veneer of phenomenal success.
Failure isn’t an option, Nera.
I lost something that day in the bathroom. My innocence, my joy, my soul, I’m not sure. Whatever it was, I haven’t cried in the three years since.
???
“Where’s class?” I ask.
“Um, I’m not sure, let me look.” Six answers, pulling out her phone and looking at her schedule. “Eleven am class is in…the Arc Lecture Room.”
“Shit,” I say, looking at my own phone. “That’s the other side of campus. We need to run if we don’t want to be l— Sixtine!”
She’s jogged past me before I’ve even finished my sentence.
I follow after her with a laugh.
“This has already been a cursed week without adding getting detention for being tardy to it,” she calls out. “Come on, my little fencing queen,” she sings to the tune ofDancing Queenby ABBA, “I need to keep my record cleaaaan, oh yeah!”
I laugh, because it’s easy with Six.
She’s my refuge from the many other pressures in my life.
I’ve never been able to tell her about my struggles. I’m afraid if I do, it’ll taint the little bubble around this friendship of ours and I’m not willing to risk it.
I was nervous about Bellamy and Thayer’s arrival. I find it difficult to be vulnerable and deeply trusting of people. I tend to keep them at arm’s length, only close enough that they can see the exterior face I present to the world.
But something about them tells me that they’re not ignorant to pain and their own internal struggles.It’s only been a few days, but I have an inkling they might belong in the bubble with Sixtine.
In any case, Six wasn’t lying. It’s been a rough start to the week and it’s only the first day of class. In that time, Bellamy’s made a dangerous enemy in Rogue, Rhys has developed an obsession with Thayer, and Phoenix has decided to acknowledge Six’s existence after two years without a word.
Let’s just say time has done nothing to soften his approach.
In conclusion, the girls are in turmoil and we haven’t even made it to lunch on day one yet. I’m glad to be free of the drama.
Although.
A very faint thought pokes at the deepest corners of my mind that it would be nice to havesomethingto distract myself with.
Another thought flits by unwelcome, that maybe I should text Gary. I could see him one more time as Jenny and then delete his number…
No.
I don’t know why I’m hung up on thinking about him. It was just one night. And now that I know I wasn’t the issue in my relationship with Rex, I can just find someone else.
