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His career has always and will always come first. As for my mother, she didn't even realize she was pregnant with me until she was nearly six months along, so she had little warning. I think that's one of the reasons she’s always struggled to fully bond with me. I know in her own way she loves me, and I love her, but I wouldn't exactly say we have a typical mother-daughter bond. I can't tell you how many times, growing up, I've sat and wished upon stars and prayed to gods which I don't believe in. Wishing that one day they would love me the way I wanted them to.
That I would wake up one day and have the sort of parents I see on TV who spend Sunday playing board games and laughing over milkshakes. But I never did find that. Instead, I learned to be quiet, not ask much, and be the perfect daughter just so they would accept me. That said, a shared love of art is the one way we do manage to bond. We sometimes get lost for hours talking about art and visiting local exhibitions and galleries. At least those days give me some hope that deep down I'm loved.
Other times, we enjoy sitting side by side, canvas in hand, as we draw from memory. Yet, the second the artwork goes away, so does her interest in me. It's odd. She loves me; I know she does. Even if it's in her own strange little way. I just feel like she doesn't particularly like me or want to spend time with me. That said, as much as it hurts, I try to remind myself that I'm still luckier than some, I guess.
I've gotten to go on great holidays and have grown up with all the latest toys and games. They even bought me a scooter to get around before we moved away. They will happily give me anything I want, provided that what I want isn't time or attention.
Lastly, I spot my sun-kissed and faded picture of me, Nana, and Pops from my last summer here and place it beside my bed. Exactly where it’s sat in every house we've lived in over the last few years.
Next, I head over to the wardrobe closet, ready to hang up my clothes. If all this moving has taught me nothing else, it's how to place your clothes to make it easier to unpack when you arrive in your new place. I make quick work of hanging my clothes, but as I bend down to place my shoes on the floor, I notice and immediately recognize the memory board I made when I was younger. It's full of memories of all the places Nathaniel and I went to: movie stubs, swim bracelets, pictures of us smiling and laughing, as well as pictures and magazine cutouts of all the places we wanted to go to in the future.
If I wasn't already sitting down, I would have fallen down due to the pain I feel in both my heart and head. I find myself reaching up and clutching my chest. It's almost like I can physically feel the pain of an arrow flying straight through my heart, ripping it to shreds.
My mind spins, recalling what happened all those years ago. One minute we were the best of friends and partners in crime, completely inseparable. The next, he’s abandoning me without so much as a backward glance. He never called, never wrote back, he just disappeared.
I've asked Nana about him over the years, but she always said the same thing whenever I asked her.He's exactly where he needs to be. Well, if one thing is certain, it's that I'm no longerwhere he needs to be. I lock my thoughts away for the moment, knowing that tonight, when I'm alone, they'll roll over me like a tidal wave of pain, as they do every time I think back on us and what we should have been.
I head back downstairs to the party, where I know everyone is waiting for me. When I got there, I see a few new faces. I recognize some of the guys Pops worked with who still look the same, just with a little less hair. I see Nana's neighbor and bingo partner, Edna, and she seems to have brought her two grandchildren, Harper and Riley, with her. The girls have changed so much since I knew them before. As kids, they used to dress and look almost the same, whereas now it's plain to see that they have different personalities. Harper has her long, blond hair in a high ponytail, and it is curled to perfection. She is wearing a simple white top and jeans, yet somehow looks effortlessly beautiful, even with her minimalist makeup. Riley, on the other hand, is dressed in almost all black, apart from a few bits of purple lace around the neckline of her dress, and her makeup is much heavier. She has on dark black eyeliner with some mascara and purple eyeshadow. The look seems to suit her, but she definitely appears to be the edgier of the two sisters.
Harper seems happy and chats with everyone, but Riley is all alone in the corner, staring at her phone. I don't know if she's nervous, uncomfortable, or that she just doesn't want to be here. But I saw her talking to my cousins Toby and Michael earlier, and she seemed fine then, so I decide to be brave. I grab a slice of the chocolate cake Nana made and make my way over to talk to her.
"Hey Riley, thanks for coming," I say a little awkwardly. " I thought you might appreciate a slice of cake."
"Wow, Izzy, you've changed." She looks me up and down. I can't help but screw my face up in surprise.How rude!She must see my reaction because she quickly adds, "No, I just mean you're not the little kid I thought you were, damn!" she clarifies, slapping her forehead with her palm.
Harper appears next to us, coming to her sister's rescue and playfully nudging her. "What little miss socially awkward means is that you look good."
"Ha-ha, don't worry, girls. I'm still just as awkward, if not worse." We all start laughing, which is good because it breaks the ice.
"How do you feel about being back?" Harper asks me as we all find a spot on the couch to chat.
"Well, my parents have bought a small apartment in the city to move to that's close to their new jobs. I'm going to be staying here with my grandparents. Living in the city isn't for me," I admit, careful not to let them see the real reason I don't want to live with my parents. I’m sick of feeling so lonely that it's like drowning in the abyss.
"Oh wow, great. If you need someone to show you around, we're just down the street," Harper offers.
"Thanks! Maybe I'll take you up on that offer. I need advice on the best place to get new furniture and decorations for my room. Right now, it looks like a five year old's paradise. Even before I left, it was childish," I admit with a giggle.
"It can't be that bad, surely," Riley tries to say.
"Oh yes, it is." I shake my head and sigh.
"I think we need to go look at it now," Harper says, as she takes my hand. "Is it this way?" she asks, pointing towards the door to the stairs.
Reluctantly, I lead the girls to my room. I pray this isn't some mean girl style ruse to humiliate me later. After all, this wouldn't be the first time I've moved to a new town and been fooled into believing someone wanted to be my friend, only for them to turn around and laugh in my face. Both of these girls seem so kind and genuine, so I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.
I open the door and hold my breath.
"Okay, yeah, now I see what you mean." Riley laughs, picking up one of the teddy bears from my bed. "But it definitely has potential," she adds.
"You think?" I ask pessimistically. I look around the room again at all the pink and sparkles.
"Definitely!" Harper replies, looking around the room. "You could put the bed over there against that wall and put a little rug here. And maybe get some Christmas lights to add a nice, relaxing feel. Oh wow, that window seat is beautiful. You could add some pillows and turn it into a little reading or relaxation nook." She seems excited as she walks around my room, pointing to different areas while her eyes light up.
"Wow, how can you even envision all that?" I ask in awe.
"I guess it's a gift. I just have a flair for this kind of thing. I want to be a designer when I’m finished with school."
"It doesn't have to be expensive, either. Thrift stores can be your best friend. With a little paint and accessories, you can transform anything."
