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Confused,I scan her eyes, taken aback. She had herself whipped because I did?
“Nothing will ever hurt me as much as seeing you doing that to yourself. That will kill me, nothing else.” She strokes at my face, incredibly together and lucid. “If you punish yourself again, I will too.”
Well, that’s a threat no man could ever ignore. “You love me.” I need to hear her say it again. I feel like we’ve come back from war and everything has changed since we’ve been away. The weight that was on my shoulders seems to have lifted.
“I need you,” she says, forsaking love for need. “I need you strong and healthy. I need you to understand how much I love you. I need you to know I can’t be without you either. I would die before losing you too.”
I can’t believe this. What she’s saying, her resoluteness, her incredible strength.Her forgiveness.“I don’t deserve you, Ava.” For the first time, she will understand why I believe that. “Not after the life I’ve lived. I’ve never had anything I’ve valued or wanted to protect...”since I lost my brother and daughter.I swallow. “Now I have, and it’s a bizarre mix of total happiness and complete fucking fear.” I’m talking, and I can’t stop myself. She hasn’t left me. I should be able to tell her anything and she’d still love me. But there’s still a chance she could doubt me. There’s a chance she’s pregnant, and if she knew I lost my daughter because I was careless, reckless, and so fucking weak?
“I’ve made you like this,” she whispers.
No, I have made myself like this. “I crave control with you, Ava.” I say it how it is. How we all know it is. “I can’t help it. I really can’t.”
“I know. I know you can’t.” She comes closer, cuddling into me, but my hands remain under control. Not touching anywhere it could hurt.
“You’re hurting because of me,” I say quietly.
“And you are because of me. We deal with the past,” she says, and I’m fucking flinching again. “As long as I have you, thestrongyou, we deal with it. It’s not your history that’s hurting me. It’s you. The things you are doing now.” She sounds so fucking together. So reasonable.
“You’re crazy mad.” I gently ease her out of my chest and kiss her softly. “Crazy, crazy mad.”
“I’m crazy in love with you,” she says around my mouth. “Please don’t do that to yourself again.” A jerk, a flinch. “My back hurts.”
God damn it. I break our kiss. “I’m still furious with you.”
“I’m not very happy with you either.”
Thrown right back at me, and I can’t say a single thing. “I can’t touch you.” Not anywhere but her face, and my hands are twitching like mad.
Her face screws up as I smother her cheeks with my lips. “How’s your back?” she asks.
“Fine. I’m just pissed at you.” Yes, we’ve moved mountains. Yes, we’re okay. Does this mean Ava will have suddenly become completely submissive? Give me a break. I need to make sure I only fight her on the things I’m passionate about, or we’ll always be fighting. “We need to get you moving or you’ll seize up.”
“I’m happy to seize up.”
“Not a chance, lady.” Not an option. “You need a lavender bath and some cream on your back. I can’t believe out of all of my members, you picked the most unstable one.”
“I did?”
“You did. John and I were due to have a meeting to discuss revoking his membership. We’ve been monitoring him for a while. His behavior has become a little erratic lately”—loose—“and while some of the women welcome the rough side of his sexual exploits, others not so much. He makes some women uncomfortable and that’s a problem.” God damn it, I should have acted earlier. “He hadn’t done anything to warrant us getting rid of him until last night.”
Her lips form a straight, guilty line. “I asked him.”
“There are rules, Ava.” I get close to her face, nibbling her lip, letting it slide through my teeth and pop out. “Did he give you an out?”
A frown. “No.”
“The list of his offenses goes on and on. He’s broken a lot of rules. He’s got to go.”
“I don’t remember him,” she says. “He wasn’t at the anniversary party.”
“No, he was on duty.”
“Duty?”
“He’s a cop.”
“What?” She chokes over the word.
