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It’s silent aside from the sound of the brush sliding through her hair. I lean in for the scent of her, gather the section that has escaped me by falling over her shoulder. There are bumps on her arms where she’s exposed from the end of the cap sleeve to the gloves that cover her elbows.
“What’s this?” I ask her pointing with the tip of the brush head.
“Oh?” She runs her hand over the skin. “Goosebumps.”
I continue brushing.
“A fear response?” I ask. Will she flinch at my touch, knowing all this? Will a kiss from me make her stomach churn with anxiety now that she knows who I am?
“Sometimes. But it happens from the cold too. And other things.”
Other things?
“I’ve never seen such beautiful hair,” I comment, not sure I want to know what causes her goosebumps. She can’t see me, so I pick up a little handful and press my lips against it. It will be my secret stolen kiss. “I could brush it for hours.”
“Kalla…”
“Hm?” I want to press my face into this mass of flaming red. I want to open my eyes and see it beside me every morning, reach out and touch it at my leisure.
“Do you enjoy what you do? Do you do it because… you want to?”
“I could tell you that I do it because I must. Because we’re at war. But that wouldn’t be entirely true, and I promised I’d be honest. It satisfies me to kill an Azza target. What started out as a little tingle of excitement has grown to something I hunger for. The bloodlust when I’m on the hunt has begun to fuel me through difficult times. I recognize the danger in that, but it doesn’t stop me from seeking out the high. It’s a taste of revenge that I can’t seem to shake.”
“Revenge doesn’t heal,” she says. She reaches out, shocking me by squeezing my knee. It’s the closest part of me she can reach without turning. “You won’t shake it by feeding the beast. I know it doesn’t compare, but I went through something similar when I ended my marriage. I wanted to have my own revenge, you know? It only made me feel worse. I was only hurting myself.”
I’m not sure I want to ask what qualifies as revenge against an ex-mate to her. But my curiosity gets the better of me.
“What did you do?”
“I starved myself for a while, made my body as skinny as it was when we met each other. I slept around with men he didn’t like, just to piss him off.” She laughs. “The saddest part is that it worked. I got his attention, but when he begged me to take him back, I realized I didn’t want him. I only wanted him to be in pain like I was in pain. I’m not usually so vindictive. It was like I was a different person. My friends called me out on it. That’s when I started to consider moving away and avoiding him entirely. Because the way he hurt me could keep leading me down this path to being a person I don’t even know or like.”
“Hmm, you’re making me reconsider my promise,” I say.
She snatches her hand off my knee.
I lean forward to whisper in her ear, “Kidding, little flame.”
“Ha. Ha,” she says flatly.
“You’re right, of course,” I tell her, finishing the job of righting her hair by starting at the roots and stroking all the way down. But I don’t want to stop, even though her hair is well-brushed. “If I could avoid the war, it would be a very nice thought. But how can I?”
“You can take a step back like the king— like Mak told you to,” she says. “And maybe not disappear in the middle of the night. Was it because you were upset that I rejected you?”
I pause. “Don’t you dare blame yourself for my behavior.”
“Well, was it? Were you blowing off steam after I pushed you away?”
“I… I…”
“Don’t start hiding things now after what you’ve told me today.”
“Fine. Perhaps my frustrations over that had something to do with it,” I reluctantly admit. “But that’s my burden. Don’t let it affect your choices.”
“Don’t worry about that,” she says. “But next time, will you tell me if you feel that way before you run off somewhere? Even when I’m mad, I’d rather hear how you’re feeling than wonder about it.”
I don’t want to agree to that. It’s not her problem to solve.
“I’ll tell you if I’m leaving the ship,” is all I’m willing to promise.
