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“You’ve been…” Octavius hesitated. “Your reactions to your scars have changed slightly. I know you are self-conscious about them. But lately…it’s been different.”
Turney cleared his throat. “Different, how?”
“You know I’m not always the best at identifying emotions…” the vampire said with a sigh, his frown deepening. “I’m not sure how to explain it. But I know something has changed over the last few weeks, and not for the better… At least not when it pertains to your feelings for your scars.”
Turney turned his hand over in Octavius’, gripping on to him. “You…aren’t wrong. It hasn’t gotten worse…just…”
“Just?” Octavius asked, eyes seeking and slightly worried.
“You are right, there is something else now. Something not so good that comes along with the thoughts. Don’t get me wrong, I’m dealing with it all better than when I first woke up. You have helped me a lot. Really, everything you have done has helped me feel better about them. I just…now…”
The vampire’s brow pinched. “Yes?”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “I feel guilty.”
Octavius blinked. “For what?”
“I don’t know… Like, I could be dead… Technically speaking, I was, and then I wasn’t. Like how dare I have these thoughts when the alternative is death.”
The male’s hand gripped his. “Turney…this is about Theo, isn’t it? Or, I suppose it would be more correct to say it’s about Cynthia…”
Turney’s shoulders sagged. “Like I’m sure she’d give anything to be in my shoes. That Theo would give anything for her to be here, scars or not. So having these thoughts just makes me feel like I’m being ungrateful.”
“Turney, just because someone has it worse, doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to feel what you are feeling. You have had an enormous amount of changes in your life lately. You learned about us all. You…” He cleared his throat, his voice dropping lower as he spoke again. “You died. And then you came back. You came back changed, you had to learn—and still are learning—how to live this new life. You have a right to feel.” Octavius brought Turney's hand up to his lips and kissed it before laying it down gently.
“I…I suppose I know that, but it’s just hard to remember that anytime I see Theo. I feel like I should just suck it up. Like Cynthia died but I’m here. That could have been me… The same person went after us. So why me and not her?”
“You know Theo wouldn’t blame you for feeling off about your changed appearance. He doesn’t fault you for being alive. It is not as if you surviving or not would change what happened. Theo had permission to change Cynthia into a werewolf. She gave that to him. But that is something he could only do if she were still alive. And before you think that she could have been made a zombie too, it is far too late for that. I didn’t tell you this as I didn’t think it was something you would want or need to know. I also didn’t realize you were feeling this way about your survival. We discovered Cynthia’s body had been burned. Even if we wanted to, there would be no way to turn her. Fire is a sure way to avoid becoming a zombie. And this happened before we even knew of Theo’s disappearance, before Dayan got to you. She was dead before Cléas even stepped foot into our office. There was nothing you or I, or any of us, could have done differently that would have resulted in her being alive.”
“She…” Turney leaned back in his chair. “So, there was…no way…no way we could have saved her?”
“No. Dayan made sure of that.”
Turney didn’t know if he had thought him surviving meant she couldn’t. Yet, at the same time, he felt guilty that he had survived and she hadn’t. As if he’d been risen from the grave while she lay somewhere rotting. In his mind, part of him had thought…that there was something they could have done, but for some reason they weren’t doing it.
Turney cleared his throat. “Once burned…a body, it can’t be changed? Are you sure?”
“Yes. The virus can only take if there are bodily fluids, or some sort of tissue remaining. She was cremated. It’s actually a common practice for Knights to burn remains. I suppose, in their mind, it’s better to not leave any evidence behind.”
“I see.”
“Yes, so don’t feel guilty about something you can’t change. And certainly don’t feel guilty for having feelings about some very big changes.” Octavius smiled gently. “I suppose I should have known you’d need to know all this. I, myself, felt guilt over her death, until finding out there would have been nothing I could have done to help her.”
“It’s…not your fault what happened. You know that. And you know I don’t blame you for dying, right?”
“I know. Just as Theo doesn’t blame you for surviving when Cynthia didn’t.”
Turney let out a soft laugh. “Right…”
“I love you. You know that, right?”
He slowly smiled. “I know. I love you, too.” Turney sighed. “This is supposed to be a date, all fun and happy, and I just made it depressing with my stupid feelings and hang-ups.”
“Hey! None of that. Your feelings are not stupid!” Octavius huffed. “Now, as for fun…
Are you finished eating?” Octavius asked, his eyes seemed to oddly brighten at the thought.
“Yes,” he said with a hesitant laugh.
