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Nicole sniffed. “It would be nice if you could deign to engage with us mortals once in a while.”
My nose wrinkled with confusion. “What does that mean?”
“You’re always super cool robot man, never ruffled by anything.” She crossed her arms. “You act like you’re so much better than the rest of us for never expressing emotions.”
I opened my mouth to retort that maybe we’d all be better off if she learned to express fewer of her emotions... and then closed it again. That kind of statement would not help Nicole feel better. “It’s true that I’m a naturally calm person, but I don’t expect that from other people.”
Nicole rolled her eyes at me. “Whatever.”
I folded my arms. “You don’t agree?”
She gave me a pointed look. “I still remember how you cried yourself to sleep every night for six months after Dad left. Oh, and yeah, the time you got so angry with a bully that you knocked him down outside my school. And who could forget the time a rabbit nested in our backyard and you cried because the baby bunnies were so cute?”
I held up a hand. “Okay, fine, yes, but I grew out of that.”
“You mean you shut down your feelings after you came back from living with Dad.”
I was silent a moment, considering her analysis. I’d gone to Grandma’s, still weak from malaria, and Mom hadn’t even flown out to Virginia to see if I was okay. I’d told her—and myself—that I didn’t need her attention. But then maybe I’d taken that a little too far, telling myself I didn’t need anybody. “I think maybe the feelings got to be too much for me, so I tried to distance myself from them,” I mused aloud.
Nicole snorted. “Once I realized that I couldn’t count on anyone in the family, I tried to distract myself from the pain by pouring it all out into school and work. And not eating.”
I winced. That was the first time she’d ever talked to me directly about her eating disorder, and I was one of the people in the family who had let her down. “I’m really sorry that I haven’t been there for you.”
She nudged me softly with her elbow. “It wasn’t your job to be my parent. You were just a kid yourself.”
“I still could have made more of an effort.” And I hadn’t been a kid for a long time.
Nicole turned her body to face me. “It means a lot that you’re trying now.”
I smiled sadly. “I haven’t made it very easy for you to talk to me. But I want that to change.” I meant it. I was going to keep in touch with her from now on.
She looked at me for a second before reaching over to give me a brief hug. “Can I tell you something? I worry a lot about whether I could ever trust someone enough to be in a serious relationship, but seeing you with Jenna makes me feel a lot better.”
“Jenna is pretty special,” I concurred. Thank goodness we were dating for real, at least for the time being, or I’d have one more reason to feel like I’d failed my sister.
“How did you know you were in love with her?” Her voice was eager, like the little Nicole I’d taken care of all those years ago.
I didn’t want to crush her, but I wouldn’t lie. “I still don’t believe in love.”
Nicole threw her head back and laughed like I was the world’s funniest comedian. “Right. You only look at Jenna like she’s this rare, beautiful flower because your endocrine system set you up for it.” She tilted her head, watching me. “Or maybe it would be more appropriate to say you look at her like a rare, awful disease you’re fascinated by.”
“I’m very attached to her, yes.” More than I would have thought possible only a few days earlier.
Nicole shook her head. “Wow, Jenna must love how romantic you are.”
“Being able to understand and describe my reaction to Jenna doesn’t diminish it in any way.” Though truthfully, I’d been unable to do either when it came to our kiss.
Nicole poked me in the arm. “And calling your reaction love would be terrible because...?”
“I just don’t believe there’s any unexplainable force that takes over a person, or at least not me. I’m far too analytical for that.”
Nicole wrinkled her nose. “What about marriage and commitment? You believe in those?”
“Um...” I stared at my sister. Marriage had always been hazy in my mind, something I might think about someday, if I had to, or maybe not at all. I’d always worked too much on my professional career and hobbies to be able to commit any significant amount of time to another person.
But when I imagined spending time with Jenna at the expense of going into the lab on weekends, I didn’t feel the familiar resentment that usually accompanied such thoughts.
“I believe marriage and commitment exist, obviously,” I finally replied. “Whether or not I could be successful at them, I don’t know.”
