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“I hear that. You finally decide on a major yet, or you still undecided?” Small talk. Small talk that was so beyond us, but we weren’t the same people we used to be. He might still give me that dimpled smile, but we were strangers to each other now. He didn’t know me.
He… he never knew me, not really. I’d never told him the truth.
“Undecided,” I told him, and when I turned my head to meet his stare, I knew it right then: he didn’t want to make small talk. He wanted to dive right back in, resume where we left off, find some closure where there could be none.
“Charlie,” Zak said my name softly, inching toward me. “Can we talk?”
“We’re talking right now.”
“Yeah, I know, but I mean—I mean about what happened last year.”
Something in me twisted, and I pulled away from him, shaking my head and saying, “I’d rather not, Zak. I… I should go.” Cutting it short with Zak was the only thing I could think of to do, the only thing that made me feel like I had some control of the situation, so I turned and headed to the back door of the house.
He called after me, but I didn’t stop. I nearly ran into Alex, who held onto two fresh cups full of whatever drinks he’d gotten us, and when he realized it was me, I said, “I’m sorry, but I have to go.” I didn’t wait for Alex’s reply before continuing the walk through the house.
I couldn’t do this. I was stupid for thinking I could. Everything about this party was a reminder of that night. The music. The faceless people. The sweat in the air. The alcohol. It was all too much. I had to get out, get away… be alone.
I had to be alone. It’s something I’d struggled with for a long time, all throughout my relationship with Zak. There were things I could never tell anyone else, things that made me feel like everyone would be better off if I was dead.
It was hard, you know? Wanting something when you knew you shouldn’t. You looked for any excuse to end it while also hoping that person miraculously proved you wrong. A strange mixture of emotions constantly at war.
Zak didn’t prove me wrong, though. If anything, he’d proved the doubting part of me right.
Happiness wasn’t in my future.
I made it out of the house, but the moment I walked through the front door, Zak caught up to me. His hand shot out, grabbed my wrist, and he pulled us aside, stopping me from my escape. “Please, Charlie,” he whispered my name, his hand firm around my wrist.
My skin itched. The way he held onto me… it was the same thing he’d done that night.
I knew going out to eat before coming to this party was a mistake. Amelia wanted to pregame it, fill her stomach with food so she could drink more without getting immediately wasted. I didn’t plan on drinking anything since I had to drive home. Amelia lived on campus, so I’d only go home after making sure she got back safely.
But I’d made the mistake of drinking too much Dr. Pepper at the restaurant, so not too long after we’d arrived at the party, I had to pee.
I tried to find a bathroom, and the only one I could find in the house had a line. A freaking line. It was a frat house, so there had to be more restrooms, but I didn’t feel like heading upstairs and seeing things I shouldn’t.
So, line it was.
I pulled out my phone while I waited, messaging Zak. He wasn’t here yet. He said he’d text me when he got here. He didn’t want to go out to eat with me and Amelia. I didn’t know why. It was almost like any time I wanted to hang out with him, he didn’t want my best friend to tag along. I guess I could understand. Sometimes having a third wheel was lame.
Always thought I’d be the third wheel, but for some reason, life had other things in store for me.
There were four people in front of me. Two of them went fast, but the third… let’s just say based on how long she was in there, I’d say she did more than just pee. By the time she came out, wearing a sheepish look as she avoided my stare, I knew I’d have to hold my breath in there.
I pushed inside, making a face as I shut the bathroom door and locked it. It was one of those bathrooms where the exhaust fan automatically turned on with the light, so it was running, but it wasn’t helping with the smell.
I did my business as quickly as I could, and I only rinsed my hands before leaving—mostly because I didn’t want to stay in there longer than I had to. As in, do my business and get the hell out.
Once I was in the hall, I checked my phone. Zak had texted me, telling me he was here. He must’ve texted me right when I’d walked into the bathroom, because I hadn’t seen it until now.
I went to find him. I’d find Amelia after. I went to the front of the frat house but was unable to see him. I went back inside and searched the living room, though I didn’t find him there, either. The hall, the kitchen; I couldn’t find him anywhere.
He wouldn’t have gone outside in the back, would he?
Figuring I best just check, I went to the backyard. The people crowding the space did not include Zak.
Huh. Where the heck was he?
I decided to call him before I went back inside, otherwise I might just spend the whole night searching for him. I moved away from the open door, to the side of the small porch, to get away from the loud music inside. You know, so I could actually hear Zak once he picked up.
