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But he didn’t pick up, and the weird thing was, I swore I heard Zak’s ringtone for me going off somewhere around the house.
I didn’t know what made me go searching, but I carefully stepped off the porch and walked around the side of the house in search of the sound. I passed the area that must be adjacent to the frat house’s living room, because the brick had a jut out for the fireplace.
That jut out happened to be the perfect place for a couple of people to make-out.
I tried not to stare because it wasn’t polite, only when I reached them, I also reached the ringing phone, and my fingers damn near dropped mine to the grass when I saw who it was.
Amelia and Zak.
His back was to the house, her body pinning his as her arms wrapped around his head. Their mouths were very much connected, and it looked… well, it looked passionate, from a first glance.
I couldn’t look anymore, so I stuffed my phone into my back pocket and started to walk away, wanting to go home. My heart felt like it had swelled inside my chest, swelled to the point where I could hardly breathe, and what little breaths I could take came out short and erratic.
Zak might’ve called out for me, telling me to wait, but I didn’t stop. I couldn’t.
How could I stop when it felt like my heart was breaking? Zak had been one of the only good things in my life these past few years, and Amelia had been my best friend since elementary, the only friend that stuck around once everyone graduated high school and went off to do their own thing.
Zak and Amelia? Amelia and Zak? Even the names didn’t go together. They sounded wrong.
A firm hand grabbed my wrist when I made it to the sidewalk in front of the house, pulling me to a stop. I didn’t need to turn to see who it was; I’d memorized the way Zak’s hands felt on me a long time ago, because they were the only hands that had ever felt good on me.
Not anymore. Now the hand around my wrist felt as wrong as any other.
“Charlie, please, wait. Let me explain,” Zak spoke eagerly, and he didn’t let me go, not even as I turned my head to meet his hazel eyes. “It’s not what you think—”
I wasn’t strong enough to pull my wrist away from him, so I didn’t try. Instead, I whispered, “It’s not? Because it looked like you were getting real intimate with Amelia. Don’t let me stop you. I’m sure she’s better at everything anyway.” A dig at Amelia, an unnecessary one. She’d been boy crazy almost her whole life, but that didn’t mean I should insult her about it.
“I didn’t—I didn’t want to kiss her,” he pleaded with me.
“Then why didn’t you push her off? You could’ve stopped her instead of making out with her while I was trying to find you,” I hissed. My heart was breaking, but right now, the main emotion rising inside was anger.
True, venomous anger, something I hadn’t felt in a long time.
Or maybe ever.
Before he had the chance to say anything else, I demanded, “Let me go, Zak. Just let me go. We’re done, okay? We’re over. I don’t want to see you ever again.” My words must’ve hit him like a sack of bricks, because he looked visibly shaken—to which I’d say: good.
His fingers loosened their hold on my wrist, and I was able to pull myself free. I met his stare, took in the way he so desperately wanted to say more, and then I turned around, giving my back to him as I walked away.
I wanted to run. Oh, how badly I wanted to run away from him, from Amelia, from this whole place, but I didn’t let myself. I didn’t want to show him how badly he’d hurt me, so I walked with a normal pace while holding my head high, and I didn’t stop until I made it to the student parking lot on the opposite side of campus.
It was only when I was in my car, driving away, that I let myself cry. Once the tears started coming, they wouldn’t stop. I had to park at the local grocery store instead of going straight home because I couldn’t get myself to stop.
Zak had been my first. The first I’d chosen, anyway. The first I’d wanted. Up until tonight, he’d been everything I wanted. Kind, gentle, warm. We’d taken things at my own pace, and he never once complained. I loved him, and I thought he loved me.
But that was just it, huh? No one could ever love something that had been broken before. Everyone, when given the choice, would always choose something new. Not a hand-me-down.
That’s me. A hand-me-down. Used up. Trash. Nothing worth keeping at all. These were thoughts I’d always had, but they were so much easier to push away when I had Zak whispering in my other ear how much he loved me.
God. As stupid as it was, we’d even talked about getting married after college.
But that wasn’t in the cards for me. Marriage, happiness, a good, long life. What future I might’ve had had been stolen a long time ago, over and over, until I stopped recognizing myself in the mirror.
I didn’t know how long it took me to get my tears under control, but it had to be a while. I only went home when I was sure my face wasn’t all puffy and red. My parents were asleep, thankfully, so they wouldn’t ask me questions.
And that was good, because what was there to say? There was nothing worse in the world than feeling everything you want slip through your fingers, and there was nothing you could do to stop it from happening.
Here I’d thought I’d climbed my way over the edge, but the reality was Zak had just thrown me off it himself.
