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He helped me into the car, and I drifted back into a daze as he drove away.
"I'm taking you back to my place."
I nodded. I couldn't go back to my parents’ house. Not now. Maybe never.
"Grady isn't doing so well, either, Bay. I don't know how to deal with all of this, but I'm trying. I'm going to do my best to be there for the both of you."
Tears streamed down as the impact of his words hit me hard. We were all broken. How were we going to get through this? How did people get through this? I chewed on my finger because I didn't know what else to do besides cry. I was eternally a shattered piece of a once whole person.
When we reached his apartment, I started to panic. "I can't go in. I can't, Brandt. I can't go in." I was shaking my head, still biting on my fingers and tears still flowing. Would they ever stop? I couldn't breathe. My chest felt heavy, and the pain from trying with broken ribs wasn't helping.
"Baylor, look at me. Look at me."
He grabbed my knee to get my attention, but it wasn't working. I was coughing now. "Ow. It hurts, Brandt. I can't breathe."
He hopped out of the car and ran over to my side and threw open the door, kneeling in front of me to be eye level.
"Dammit, Bay. Look at me so I can help you."
I rocked back and forth methodically, and I knew he was there, but his voice was difficult to hear through the pain screaming in my heart and the voices shouting in my head. I tried to bend down, but my ribs hurt too badly. "I can't do it. I can't do this. Please, don't make me do this. Please, don't."
He took my chin in his hands and forced me to look at him. He was crying, too. "Bay, come back to me, please. Look at me. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I promise. I'm still here. Please, just see me. I'm right here."
And I did. I did see him. His voice was soothing the convulsions that had crushed my soul. I reached out and wiped a stream of tears from his face. "I can't go in," I stated more calmly now.
"Fine, Bay. We won't. We'll go to a hotel, but I need to make sure Grady's all right. Will you be okay if I leave you here for a few minutes?" He searched my eyes for certainty.
Knowing I didn't have to go into his apartment had eased the panic attack. It was my first one, but I doubted it would be my last. I nodded.
"I'll be back as fast as I can." He ran down the path.
I was alone.
I hadn't been alone yet, and it was absolutely suffocating.
I couldn't sit in the car alone in the silence, so I got out and hobbled across the lot to the open field where our giant tree stood tall and proud. It was the only one. A lone survivor. I rubbed its bark as I circled to the side where Brandt had engraved our initials. It hadn't changed while the rest of the world had. I traced the engraving, trying hard to remember the happiness that consumed me that night. Trying so hard to find something that would pull me from the darkness, but it had sucked me down into a cold, wretched hole where escaping was only for the strong, and I was far from it. I was weak and had no desire to fight.
People with hope fought.
People with purpose fought.
I surrendered.
"Bay?" Grady stood behind me.
I wasn't ready to face him. I wasn't ready to see my pain reflected in him. I wasn't ready for reality. As I turned around, I was devastated. Grady’s eyes adorned dark circles, and he carried himself like Brandt, slouching awkwardly. I couldn't speak. I just shook my head and let more sobs come as I fell into his arms. He held me tightly and wept with me. My ribs were throbbing from the pressure, but I didn't dare tell him. We needed this. We cried hard for a long time, not saying a word, just letting each other absorb the loss and fill the emptiness left in our hearts.
All three of us were unbreakably bonded and forever scarred. A family of eight was reduced to a family of three in a matter of seconds, and we were all that was left.
