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Numbing the Pain
WE CONVINCED GRADYto come with us to the hotel. He wanted to be alone, but I couldn't imagine him going through this without us, and being with Grady helped me. We both shared a love for Tessa that no one else besides my parents shared. The fog was slowly lifting from my head, allowing me to see that I wasn't the only one suffering. I didn't say anything to Brandt, but I noticed his beaten-up hands. He was grieving in his own way. I wished I could help him through it, but I couldn't even help myself right now.
We had to drive along the train tracks to the hotel. The intersection closest to the accident site was closed off with yellow caution tape and orange cones. I held my breath as I watched everything pass in slow motion. The sound of metal crashing echoed in my ears and then the screams and finally the silence. I could still taste the blood on my split lip and smell the dust and destruction. It all rushed back in a fury of rage. Just ahead, I noticed a crowd forming behind the tape that stretched for what seemed like a mile.
"Pull over," I said flatly.
"What?" Brandt responded.
"Bay, no," Grady demanded.
"Pull over!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I had this sudden longing that wouldn't subside unless I went back to the scene of the accident.
Brandt pulled to the side and tried to grab my arm before I launched out, but I was too fast. My ribs ached, and my casted arm felt heavy as I moved as fast as my body would physically let me move. I ducked under the tape, all the while hearing Brandt and Grady yelling after me. They would be on top of me in a matter of seconds, which made me that more determined to go faster. I could see the cleanup crew, police investigators, and coroners in front of me. A police officer caught sight of me and tried to wave me off, but I couldn't stop.
I needed to rescue my family.
They needed me.
The tears fell freely. I was disoriented and had no idea what car we had been traveling in, so I kept running toward the row of upturned cars where the crews were focusing their rescue efforts. Rescue. That had to mean there were still survivors.
They could still be alive.
I dodged the police officer waving me off but stopped short when I saw two coroners carrying a body bag. They looked at me, confused. My chest hurt. I couldn't breathe. My eyes were blurring, and my knees buckled. A pair of hands caught me from behind, crushing my ribs, but preventing me from hitting the ground. People were yelling all around me, but I couldn't discern a coherent word, because their voices all rushed together.
Why didn't they understand?
I just needed to get to them.
I needed to save them.
"Let go!" I screamed as I tried to fight my way out of Brandt's arms.
"Baylor, stop," Brandt said sternly as his grip tightened.
"They need me. I need to save them. Tessa needs me. Please, let me save them!" I was yelling and crying and flailing around.
"Bay, you can't save them."
I tried to peel his fingers off me, but he was too strong, so I started hammering my good fist anywhere I could reach. "No, they need me. I can help them. Please, just let me help them." I was weakening. Everyone working at the crash site stopped what they were doing to watch me, and I screamed at them since Brandt wouldn't listen. "Let me save them. Please!" The way they stared back, full of remorse, killed me. "Don't look at me that way. They aren't dead. They aren't dead."
Just then a group of investigators dispersed from where they were congregating, revealing a long row of body bags.
"Oh my—Nooo, no, no, no!" I covered my mouth with my hand, trying to hold back whatever was left in me. Shaking my head violently, I just repeated “no” over and over again.
Someone punched right through my chest, removed my heart, and crushed it beneath their shoe. The determination and hope left in me poured out of the large gaping hole and seeped into the gravel beneath my feet. My body had gone limp, so Brandt fell to the ground with me, cradling me in his arms.
Grady squatted in front of me and twisted my hair around his finger and his eyes full of tears, remembering the simple gesture Tessa and I shared. "She's gone, Bay. They're all gone."
I saw him stripped raw and kneeling before me with no hope for the future. We had both given up. I reached out and grabbed the back of his neck, pulling his face close to me. I rested my forehead on his, truly feeling the void we were both living with now. We didn't have to speak. We just mourned.
I couldn't walk, not only because I had no strength but also because I had caused more damage to my ribs by running, so Brandt picked me up and carried me toward the crowd. Several people lifted the tape, so he could make it through more easily. One by one, people paid their condolences. I knew I should have done the same since the odds were a lot of them were mourning, too, but I couldn't. I was empty. Numb.
I hid my face in Brandt's chest and listened as he replied to the spectators. We passed by an expansive memorial of flowers, stuffed animals, and candles created to remember the victims. The dead.
I didn't want to remember. Not now.
I just wanted to forget.
