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The pang of guilt stabbed my gut. "I like surprises," I lied, and he knew it, but he didn't question me as he left.
I didn't bother getting dressed. I walked back to the bedroom and straight to our bathroom. There was no hesitation in my actions. I had thought about this every day since I lost the baby. I reached for the bottle of pain meds I had from the hospital, filled a glass of water, and started taking the pills in small handfuls. When the bottle was gone, I walked to the bathtub and turned on the water. I didn't bother waiting for it to fill. I stepped in and slipped on the wet surface, hitting the back of my head on the tub. "Dammit." I rubbed the back of my head, already feeling the knot rise.
I watched the tub fill, letting the sound of cascading water lull my nerves and soothe the throbbing in my head from the fall. Or maybe that was the pills kicking in already. It didn't matter. As soon as the tub was full, I turned off the water, lay back, and closed my eyes.
I thought about making love to Brandt after so much time had passed. I thought about Grady and his magnetic personality and surfer good looks. The train wreck crossed my mind, along with the faces of my parents and sister. The last image was of the little baby I had imagined every day. Brandt told me recently it was a girl. In my mind, she had my eyes and Brandt's full lips.
As I slid down in the tub, the water covered my ears and peace enveloped me. Was I already dead? My body felt light, like it was floating, but then I heard a voice. It was muffled, but I heard it, and my body was shaking. I managed to get my eyes open wide enough to see Brandt yelling above me, but he was too late. My eyelids fell closed, and my body went limp.
I thought death would bring me peace, but instead, I lived in an endless loop of haunting memories. Some good, but the bad overshadowed them. There were times I lived amongst a dream that included Brandt and me with our daughter. It was a beautiful dream. I tried to hold on to it when I felt the darkness move in, but it was too powerful and then I would be running hard on the pavement, fearing the worst and stumbling across body parts and debris from the train wreck. I saw my parents lying next to each other covered in blood, holding hands, their eyes blank as they stared up at me. I searched frantically for Tessa, but no matter how many times the loop came back to this nightmare, I couldn't find her. She was lost.
I was being punished for killing myself. I had gone against the natural order of things and now was reliving the nightmares of my life, and there was nothing I could do about it because I was dead.
