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Moving Forward
Present
THERE WAS ALWAYSa day of reckoning, whether in life or death. You had to atone for the things you had done wrong and for the people you had hurt. I opened my eyes with pain in my soul and guilt in my heart, but at the same time, I felt a sense of calm I hadn't felt since before the train wreck. Brandt was lying beside me on the bed in Grady's house. How did I get here? What happened? And then I remembered. I was kissing Brandt in front of my childhood home, and then I was rushing through the last year of my life like a movie on fast-forward. It was horrifically beautiful, and now I remembered everything. Not a missing detail. The gravity of what this meant weighed on my chest. I had lost my parents, my sister, my baby, and then I had forgotten all of them, which hurt just as much, like I had disgraced their memory.
"Hey," Brandt whispered next to me.
With my eyes wide, I turned my head to him and asked, "Why? Why would you guys keep my identity from me? I don't understand."
He sat up. "I think it would be better if Dr. Caldwell—”
I jumped up. "No. No, Brandt. I want to hear it from you."
Grady ran into the room. He stepped back as soon as he saw the anger reddening my cheeks. I directed my attention to him. "And you, Grady? You, too?" Tears had inadvertently escaped.
Brandt came back to my side and took my hands in his. "Calm down, Bay. I'll explain, but you have to calm down first."
I was furious, but I sucked in a breath and held it until my muscles loosened. I let it out slowly and stared at the boys, waiting for answers. Grady leaned on the doorframe with his arms crossed over his chest.
"When I found you in the tub, you were barely breathing. I rushed you to the hospital and I watched as you slowly slipped away. And when your heart stopped, just for that minute, I died with you.
“I had nothing left. But then you came back to me. They induced a coma to help reduce the swelling on your brain from the fall, but then you didn't wake up. We were losing hope with every week that passed. I sat next to your bed and talked to you every day. I worked by your bedside. I rarely left. And then you woke up when I was out for a walk. When I came back, the nurses refused to let me in to see you until I spoke with the doctor. She told me about your memory loss and advised that we let you remember on your own terms. It was the hardest choice I’ve ever had to make, but we knew you wanted a fresh start. A do-over, so we stayed by your side and let your mind decide for you.”
Grady shifted uncomfortably.
"But I didn't want that, Brandt. Yes, I wanted to forget all the horrible things, but not erase my entire life. I would never want to forget my family. None of you. I just couldn't handle the pain anymore. It hurt too much."
Brandt continued, "Dr. Caldwell said there was a possibility you would never get your memories back, and while I could have told you about your life, she said it wouldn't mean anything to you. We all knew how broken you were, so we figured if you never got your memories back, we would just build new ones with you. Meet for the first time and fall in love again. We were just trying to do what we thought you would want us to do for you."
I looked at Grady because I knew his pain matched mine at times. I felt it when he kissed me in the kitchen when I had forgotten who I was.
"I was weak, and for that, I'm sorry. I thought I was stronger. I wanted to be stronger for both of you, but I failed. I sank to a place so deep I couldn't be rescued. Not even by you guys. I'm so sorry." I covered my face in shame.
Brandt and Grady wrapped their arms wrap around me, and when I looked up into Grady’s eyes, I knew we were whole again, and I finally felt like there was hope for a future. What it was I really didn't know, but I knew I didn't want to die, and that was all that mattered right now.
So many people had rallied to my side, and I almost gave that all up. "I—I don't know how to thank you guys. It still hurts. I see my sister's smile, and all I want to do is crumble. I see my parents reading the paper out back, and I want to shout for them to hold me again. I imagine the daughter we almost had, and I get scared because I don't know if I can go through that again. I know I have a long way to go, but for the first time I want to learn how, and it's because of you two, so thank you. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for being my strength when I didn't deserve it."
Brandt got up and kneeled down in front of me, so he could see my face. "You will always deserve it. No matter what."
I hugged him tighter. “Would it be okay if I talked to Grady for a minute?”
“Of course.” Brandt kissed my cheek and left us. Grady scooted to the edge of the bed.
"Hey, Grady?" I was fidgeting with my fingers trying to find the right words.
"What's up, Bay?"
"I remember you kissing me," I blurted out. I studied his face and saw the regret register. "And I remember letting you." I wiped my sweaty palms on the sheets.
"Look, Bay, you don't have to do this. I know why you did it. I know you love Brandt. Even when you couldn't remember you loved him, you still loved him. You guys have the same connection Tessa and I had. I didn't mean to cross the line like that. It's just…hard sometimes, but I don't want you out of my life. I promise I'm doing better. I'm learning how to live without her. I even…" He stopped short.
"What? You what?" I pressed.
"I didn't plan on telling you right now. I wanted to wait."
"Tell me what?" It was hard to hide the anxiousness growing in my voice.
"I got a soccer scholarship to Berkeley."
