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Charlee
“Where are we going?”
I took my eyes off the road to glance at Bridger. His head was slumped back on the headrest as he stared out the window. He looked so fragile. A far cry from what he used to be. I had to force my eyes not to blink so the tears would dry before they fell. It’s as if I could feel my heart shredding one slow piece at a time. The tears flowed so freely these days. Nothing but Bridger mattered now.
Nothing.
“It’s a surprise.” I had tried to sound cheery.
He rolled his head toward me. Holding it upright was a struggle for him now.
Everything was a struggle.
“I thought the surprise party was the surprise?”
A going away party was not the last memory I wanted Bridger to die with.
My chest tightened at the thought. His hospice nurse had told us he only had days now. In my heart I knew, realistically, he only had hours.
“Why does there have to be only one?” I teased through the painful reality. I reached over and took his hand, daring another glance at him. He smiled weakly.
We thought we’d have more time. Decades, but it turned out to be only a little over two years since his diagnosis. It took a long time for me to come to terms with his impending death. I lived in denial until I couldn’t deny it anymore. The first year after his diagnosis we had hope. He was healthy, and his initial symptoms had disappeared. We even considered the doctor had misdiagnosed him altogether. We made plans.
So many plans.
The last six months had changed those plans, though, and not to the kind anyone wanted to talk about.
Breathe, I reminded myself time and time again when the memories flooded me.
I turned down the mountain instead of the freeway. He would know now where we were heading. This road led to one place. Our place.
“Charlee…” He reached over and squeezed my hand weakly.
I couldn’t hold back the tears now. I rolled my lips between my teeth to hold back as best I could, but my face grew hot as my eyes overflowed, and the tears streamed down anyway. I blinked them away and took in a deep breath as I maneuvered the car through the tight turns. Any other time we would have music playing loudly and the windows down, but today we kept the windows up, and the car was silent except for the soft whooshing sound of the fan.
It had been a warm day, but as the evening neared, the air had cooled down a bit, so I brought a bundle of blankets to help keep Bridger warm and comfortable.
Safe.
The parking lot had pretty much emptied. The surfers usually left by early afternoon, and the stragglers that remained on the beach were from the nearby campground. Bridger and I had always planned to buy a travel trailer and stay there one day on our way up and down the coast, but those plans changed, too. There were a lot of things we would never get to do together.
Be strong.
“Wait here,” I told Bridger as I grabbed my large tote bag full of snacks and the bundle of blankets. I walked the path to the beach and laid out a blanket, tossing the rest in a pile and leaving the tote behind and ran back to the car to help Bridger make his way slowly down to the beach. It was still light out, so we didn’t have to worry about tripping on washed up branches and half-buried rocks. He was almost dead weight at this point, but Bridger was determined to use the last of his strength to share this moment with me.
For us.
When we made it down to the beach, I wrapped Bridger in two blankets, making sure every part of him was protected from the dewy chill, before wrapping myself in one.
“This is nice,” he said weakly. “Thank you.”
I rested my head on his shoulder and we watched the waves crash on the beach, not saying anything for a while, taking in all the memories that washed up and splayed across the sand.
“Do you remember when you lost your bathing suit out there?” He broke the silence and managed a light laugh, choking on the air for a moment. It was a sound I could never get used to. I would never take breathing for granted again.
“Do you need your oxygen? I can run up and get it?”
He shook his head and cleared his throat. “No, I’m okay.” He opened his arm so I could snuggle into him. “Do you remember, though?”
