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Four days.
Walking silently next to Levi along the shore was easy now. He had relaxed over the weeks and I had let my guard down some. When I first met him, I felt a jolt of excitement when he showed an interest in me, but the guilt shut it down. Always the guilt. Now, though, the world seemed a little steadier and a long-forgotten peace shadowed me.
“Is that Drew?” I was referring to a lone surfer out in the water.
“Yeah.” His body kind of swayed as he walked. “He’s leaving tomorrow.”
“And you?” I worked my bottom lip nervously. He stopped, and after a few steps I turned back to him.
“I’m thinking of staying, actually.” His eyes widened nervously and he stuffed his hands into his sweat pockets.
I turned away, hiding a small smile because it seemed he wanted to stay. For me. “Oh,” I responded gratefully. My chest filled with…joy.It felt warm and fuzzy andright.It felt right! And when Levi stepped into me and leaned down, hooking my chin and kissing me softly, I let the feelings rush me like a wipeout, enveloping me and sucking me under, washing away the pain and filling my lungs with life. I had been drowning for so long I forgot how it felt to breathe. To truly live. Levi wasn’t the solution, but he could be the path to it, if I let him.
When we pulled away, my lips still tingled. “That was more like a first kiss than our first kiss.”
He let out a short laugh. “I would have to agree.”
The other kisses were electric and rushed. This one was slow and careful and packed with deep emotions.
Drew whistled from the water and waved for us to come in.
“Did you ever learn to surf? If not, I could teach you. It’s never too late.”
Something hard formed in my gut and I was immediately paralyzed. Just the thought of surfing triggered panic in my chest. The last few perfect minutes were swept away instantly by one simple little question. Do I surf?
I’m not ready.
“Char?”
My heart pounded in my ears, his voice turning into Bridger’s.
Char.
Bridger and an old friend were the only ones that had ever called me that. My vision blurred with tears, and for a second when I looked over to Levi, I saw Bridger.
“What’s wrong?”
Panic ripped through me and all I could do was run. Run away from Bridger. From Levi.
From ghosts.
As soon as I threw open my trailer door, Levi was at my heels.
“Charlee, what did I say?”
My whole body was shaking. “Not right now, Levi, please, go.” I gripped the door tightly, feeling the strain of holding up my body weight.
“I’m not leaving you like this.”
I begged quietly, “Please, please. Just go.” My muscles were giving out and a wave of dizziness consumed me. I couldn’t stand any longer, so I turned and dropped on the trailer steps, burying my sobbing eyes in my hands and burrowing in the safety of my knees.
This suffering was never going to end. A glimpse of a normal future was not enough to continue living like this. I needed Bridger.
When my body became too exhausted for any more tears, I peered up, cleared my throat, and told Levi to leave in the firmest voice I could manage. He opened his mouth to argue, but whatever he saw in me shut him down. He nodded once and walked away quietly with his head down and his shoulders slumped. This was for the best. He didn’t deserve my disaster.
Nobody did.
Levi
