AllFreeNovel
Share Us
He looked down and I turned my head slightly toward him. “I love you so much, Char.”
“I love you, too.” His green eyes were piercing next to his long black hair that had fallen over his eyes when he leaned down and kissed me deeply. I twisted in his lap and kissed him back, returning the intensity. We were tucked in a tiny alcove between cliff rocks, hidden from prying eyes. We had made love in this alcove every year on our anniversary, but this time felt different. It was desperate and passionate but filled with a sadness that only we could understand.
I let every inch of my body memorize his touch as he kissed my neck, sucked on my breasts, teased his fingers between my thighs, and thrust inside of me over and over again. He was gentle and rough and touched me in all the right places. He was the other half of my soul, and I was losing him.
What would be left of me when he was gone?
We had snuggled on the beach longer than we normally did, neither of us ready to let this moment become just another memory.
“Char?” Bridger’s voice was sullen.
I looked over, concerned. “Are you okay? Should we go?”
He didn’t move, though, resting his arms on his bent knees, his head downcast.
He continued, “I know this wasn’t the future we imagined, but you still get one, and I want you to do amazing things with it. I want you to find someone that will love you as much as I do and who will help you find joy again. Real joy. The kind that consumes you so much that the tears you shed are from laughing too hard, not grieving over me. And, if it’s in the cards for you, a family.”
Pieces of my heart had started to flake away the day he was diagnosed, and every time we had the deep conversations, the conversations I wish I could hold under water until I choked the truth out of them, the flakes became larger. This conversation felt like a boulder.
I shook my head slowly. “B, I can’t promise something like that.” My voice broke between words.
I could never imagine a world without him, let alone another man. No one would ever compare to him. No one.
He pulled me into him and we cried together. This would be the first of many goodbyes in the coming months.
Just before dawn, I snuck out of bed carefully, trying not to wake Levi. I was never a great sleeper, but I think my restlessness the past few weeks was more about guilt than anything else. Levi didn’t stir when I got out of bed, which reminded me of the way Bridger slept. He had been a heavy sleeper, too. When we first got Midnight, I was the one who brought her out in the middle of the night when she cried because Bridger slept right through it. Something in me always wondered if he was pretending, but he also slept through a sizeable earthquake and Fourth of July fireworks that went off illegally well into the dark morning hours. That kind of sleep was to be envied.
After I brewed a pot of coffee, I took Midnight for a quick walk. The fog was thick this morning, so no hopes of catching a sunrise. When we got back inside, I poured myself a cup and curled up on the couch with a blanket and Midnight by my side. I sipped on my coffee while I sorted through the events of last night. It had been nice. It wasn’t desperate like the first time. This time was careful and gentle. We kissed a lot and explored each other’s bodies slowly and thoughtfully. The way Levi touched me had me feeling things I hadn’t felt in a long time. And missed. It was hard to remember intimate sensations when I was in the thick of grief. There was a lot of pain and so much suffering that there really wasn’t room for anything else.
Until now.
I heard Levi rustling in the bedroom before he appeared in the living area. He stood in the doorway wearing only sweatpants that hung low on his hips, exposing enough to make my cheeks blush. I took another sip of coffee.
“Morning,” he said first and walked to the pot, pouring himself a cup.
He had only been in my trailer twice and he already seemed so comfortable.
Familiar.
“Are you going to kick me out again, or can I drink a cup first?” he teased.
I allowed a small laugh and responded, “Morning.” I couldn’t help but smile in his direction before looking back out to the ocean through the window, taking another sip of coffee. I loved this campground. It was rare to be able to see the ocean from inside the trailer on the West Coast.
He was quiet for a long time, and when I looked over to him, his expression seemed troubled. I could tell he was contemplating something. It made me uneasy. “Is everything okay?”
I followed his eyes to the calendar and my chest hollowed out. He had been looking at it the other day, too.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He tipped his head to the calendar.
A part of me wanted to. It had been so long since I verbalized what happened to Bridger,to me,but when I tried to find the words, they wouldn’t come out, so I shook my head.
He pushed off the counter and sat next to me, twisting his body so we were face to face, placing a gentle hand on my knee and stroking it slowly with his thumb. “I won’t pressure you to talk about it right now, but one day I’d like to hear about it.”
Everything in those crystal blue eyes was genuine, but I could tell there was something else. He looked uncomfortable, and it was apparent he had something important to say. Was he hiding something, too? Searching his eyes for answers, I watched as he worked his jaw, but he remained quiet. I was lucky to have met Levi, so I wanted to pay him the same kindness of privacy he was affording me. But he was right. One day soon we would both need to share.
“Do you want to take a walk on the beach?” It was something I did every morning at dawn. Routines were what had kept me going day after day.
“Yeah,” he responded and popped up, throwing on his sweatshirt. As we made our way out, I stole a quick glance back at the calendar.
