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Clutching my hands together in an effort to gain back some control, I admitted, “I want to.” I took in a deep breath and continued, “I got pregnant a few months after his diagnosis.” A single tear escaped down my cheek, and I wiped it quickly.
We sat in silence, sharing the heaviness of the admission. Talking about it brought everything rushing back. The excitement when I had told Bridger, my doubts not knowing how long he would be around to raise the baby, and then the loss.
I was five months pregnant and had been feeling off for a few days. I thought it was normal pregnancy stuff, but then the pain started.
“Bridger?” I yelled from the bedroom. I was sitting on the edge of the bed, doubled over in pain.
He ran in and fell to his knees in front of me. “Char, what’s going on?”
I was clutching my swollen belly, and tears were falling from my eyes. “I don’t know, but there’s something wrong.”
In my heart I knew it wasn’t just Braxton Hicks. I was losing our baby.
We rushed to the hospital. The pain was unimaginable. Bridger stayed by my side, holding my hand and telling me everything would be alright as I was wheeled into the OR to have an emergency C-section.
“No matter what, Char. It’s you and me. We’ll get through this.”
There were complications during the procedure and both the baby and I were at risk. The doctor had tried to save us both, but our baby boy didn’t make it. It was one hit after the next and felt like the universe was against us. After we found out we were pregnant, it had taken all of our fears and worries surrounding Bridger’s disease and somehow lessened them. Our darkest days became brighter, and then we lost it all in a moment of frenzied and heartbreaking chaos.
I shared the entirety of the story with Genesis. I didn’t mean to, but once I started, I couldn’t stop. A floodgate had been opened and it roared strong. I hadn’t talked to anyone about it, aside from Bridger.
She stood up from the steps and leaned down, giving me a tight side hug. “I’m so sorry, Char. I can’t even imagine what you both went through.”
I reached over and hugged her back, crying hard into her stomach. “I just want it all to stop, Gen. It’s too much to carry,” I said, sobbing for several minutes. She didn’t truly understand the weight of the last thing I said. I couldn’t carry all of this pain anymore. I was exhausted and broken, and I just wanted it all to stop.
Forever.
“Thank you for being here,” I said.
“I wish I had been here sooner.”
She was referring to the years of her absence, but we couldn’t change the past and I wouldn’t let her punish herself for it any longer.
“You’re here now and that’s what matters.” I stood up and gave her a better hug.
Levi caught our attention as he emerged from his trailer with a teenage girl.
“Well, that’s quite the development.” Genesis crossed her arms and shot daggers their way.
I hit her arm playfully. “Stop. I’m sure it’s not what you’re thinking.”
Levi and the girl grabbed surfboards and headed our way.
“Oh, shoot. They’re coming over.” I didn’t know why I was suddenly so nervous. Maybe it was the knowledge that he knew Bridger, or maybe because I had been avoiding him since yesterday morning.
Genesis still had her arms crossed and one hip popped out. I was surprised she wasn’t tapping her foot, too.
“Hey,” Levi said as they neared. The girl alongside of him smiled widely. Her eyes were just as stunning as Levi’s, but she seemed way too young to be his sister. Oh, God. Please, tell me he didn’t knock someone up when he was a child.
Genesis responded a little snarky, “Hey.”
Levi shot her an odd look and then locked eyes with me. His eyes drew me in and softened my nerves. “Hey,” he said sweetly.
“Hi,” I responded in kind.
After a moment of awkward silence, the girl spoke up excitedly, “Hi. I’m Levi’s sister, Evie.” She waved quickly.
I released a huge sigh of relief. Even Genesis relaxed and dropped her attack stance.
