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I shuffle my feet as the silence grows between us.
“Well, I think I’m going to turn in. Maybe we can catch up another time?” If I don’t push him out the door now, I’m going to kiss him, and I won’t be able to stop myself.
His face falls but he nods. “Sure. I should crash too. Good night, Len.”
“Night,” I say as I walk him to the door, my heart sinking further with every step.
“Listen Len, I just want to say—”
Before he can finish, I kiss him.
I kiss him with everything in me, with all the passion and love I feel for him. With everything he’s shown to me these past several months, I pour all of it into my kiss.
When we break apart, we’re both panting.
My hand flies up to my lips as they tingle. “I’m sorry. Shit. Talk about crossing boundaries.”
“Don’t be sorry. I’ve wanted to kiss you since the moment I saw you.”
I sigh.This is harder than I thought.
“Listen, Holden.” I take a deep breath before I continue. “I went into this with you as an escape and a coping mechanism. Now I can’t just rush back into who we were or how we were doing things. I need to know that I can be here and continue to heal. On my own.”
“I can help you heal.”
“But see, that’s the problem. I have to learn to do it alone. Not with random hookups, not with drinking and partying, and unfortunately not with you. I’m really sorry. I don’t want to hurt you. But it’s something I have to do.”
If I could describe what sadness looked like, it would be Holden, right now, at this moment.
Is it breaking his heart like it’s breaking mine?
“I understand. I’ll see you around then?” He attempts a half smile, but there’s no happiness behind it. The pain he’s feeling is easy to see, and my own pain doubles in size.
Pain for breaking my own heart, but even more for breaking his.
The days are long,but the weeks fly by, and we’re soon halfway through October. I keep myself busy with school. I decided not to continue my job at the computer lab, wanting to put all my focus on school now that I switched majors. I’ve got some catching up to do, but I don't mind. It keeps me busy.
When I’m not in class, I’m usually writing or reading. I’ve found joy in my passions once again, and for that, I’m grateful. I even joined a writing competition and am currently working on a piece for it.
My friends joke that I’ve been replaced with an alien version of myself. No more parties or guys on the regular, and everyone is asking where’s Lennox?
But when that’s what you’re known for, it’s hard for people to accept change. The real ones are supportive, my close group of friends, and though they might all tease me, it’s out of love.
Everleigh and Maia still want me to come out with them, but they are cool when I turn them down and spend my night reading. I promised I’d join them one night eventually.
Aaron didn’t return to school as he’s currently under house arrest while awaiting trial. He’s got ten accusations of rape against him. I hope he’s behind bars for a long fucking time.
I continue to speak with Sue, my therapist, a couple of times a week over video call. Her smiling face brings me comfort, especially on the hard days.
She knows how hard it is for me to know Holden is so close yet not go to him. She knows how miserable I am without him. Even not having his friendship is like a huge gaping hole in my chest. Like a piece of me is missing, a piece he can only supply.
I need to prove to myself that I can do this without him. I am strong enough to heal on my own and not rely on coping mechanisms like drinking and sex.
Those should be fun things I enjoy, not things I use to escape my problems.
“Are you sure you’re not just hurting yourself more?” my therapist asks me one day in late October.
“How?”
