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“By keeping him at a distance. I know you associate him with your past, but you can separate the two. He was there helping you cope with pain, so naturally your brain lumps him together with the drinking and partying and random hookups. But he’s not, is he?”
“I don’t know!” I blow out a breath in frustration. “I mean, how can I know unless I do this shit on my own?”
“You are doing it on your own, Lennox. You have for months now. When did you first see me? At the end of May, right? We’re now almost in November. That’s five solid months you’ve been healing and working on yourself. Give yourself some grace. You deserve to be happy.”
Tears slip down my cheeks as I realize just how much I want to be with Holden. How I keep telling myself I don’t want it when really, it’s all I want.
“You don’t have to keep punishing yourself. You deserve all the happiness you want. And you should be damn proud of yourself, girlfriend. Because I know I am.”
Chapter24
Holden
As much asit killed me to walk away from Lennox, I did it. It’s what she wants, what she needs, and I do my best to understand.
It makes sense that she sees me as part of the problem. I was her escape for so long, she must be afraid that’s all I’ll ever be to her. I want to show her I can be so much more than that. As much as love scares the shit out of me, with her it doesn’t. I want to grow and learn and experience life with her.
Whatever it throws our way, I want her by my side.
Maybe she won’t ever see me the same way, and as sad as that is, I can’t force her to be with me.
Which means I continue with my own distractions.
I threw myself into my classes, continued surfing, and took a position as an intern at a video game development company. As a senior project, I get to create and design my own video game all year with the company's help. If they like it, there’s a chance they could hire me to develop more games. My dream fucking job. Right in front of me.
That’s what keeps me going. On the long nights or the parties my friends drag me to that just aren’t the same without my little firecracker, I think about all I’ve accomplished and all that’s yet to come. There’s so much to look forward to, but without her around, it’s all a little dimmer.
My father ended up in the hospital for a week after having a major heart attack. He needed surgery, but he’s going to be okay. The doctors said we’re lucky the paramedics came so quickly or else he might not have made it.
I don’t know how to feel about it. They blame me for what happened. For causing his anger, which led to his heart attack. While the doctors assure them it’s most likely not the cause, they still believe what they want.
For now, I said my goodbyes to them. Maybe in the future, I’ll try again. But I’m not holding my breath. I’m doing what makes me happy, and they no longer can hold me back.
Landon and Rhett wouldn’t take no for an answer, so here I am at a Halloween costume party. My costume? Myself.
“C’mon, man. At least wear a mask or something. Oh wait, your face is your mask.” Landon jokes.
“Haha. You’re lucky I’m even going.”
“Oh, stop being a party pooper. It’s Halloween weekend. Let’s have some spooky fun,” Rhett says, and I laugh at his corny lines.
“Then shut up about my costume already,” I joke.
“Whoa, someone’s feeling feisty tonight.” Landon grins. “Alright, alright. I’m just glad you’re here instead of holed up in your room or at work. I’m going to make us some drinks, be right back.” He pats Rhett and me on the shoulder before moving into the crowd. Rhett and I move to a more open spot, and my eyes scan the groups of people.
Will she be here?
The question bothered me all day with still no answer. I didn’t want to ask my friends, but I have a feeling she won’t be. The few parties I’ve been to, she wasn’t there. Landon said Everleigh told him she hasn’t been going out much, if at all.
Which only makes me wonder more.
I want to talk to her so bad. Find out how she’s doing. Maybe hold her in my arms for a second.Breathe her in…
I’ve been trying so hard to avoid her, but knowing she lives below me, that she’s not far from me at all, makes it even harder to ignore the itch to see her. One night when I was coming home from work, I saw her car pull in. I watched from my truck as she parked and got out, her wild red curls running down her back.
Every part of me ached to go after her. To call her name.Anything.
But I didn’t. I couldn’t.
