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Her hands balled into fists. “You think this is best for me? You think leaving here is best? To go travel the world to see the circus?”
April could tell that the conversation wasn’t going the way Carl thought it would. His brows furrowed and he leaned back in his chair. “Yes. I told you why I want a divorce and I told you that I want to travel and see the circus.”
Carl acted like it was so easy. Obviously, she should immediately understand what he’s talking about. She should be more kind, open to what he had to say. After he tore their life apart.
This was one of the darkest days in April’s life. Yet, here she was, thinking about her husband sitting at the circus. The world was having a laugh at her life. It was all one big joke to the universe.
“Well, I’m going to stay at a hotel tonight. I’m sorry you had to hear this way. I thought this would be more amicable.”
April kept her head down and waited until Carl couldn’t see her face to cry. She went to the kitchen island and pulled out her bottle of Riesling. And April had another glass of wine.
CHAPTER THREE
The sound of the front door slamming shut echoed through the house as Carl left, with a bag packed, for the hotel. Apparently, he couldn’t stand staying another second with April, who felt like his abrupt leave was a stab to the chest.
April thought that she should have kicked him on the way out. Anything to make her feel more in control of this situation that seemed like it would upend her life.
Enjoy the circus,she thought to herself. She poured herself another glass of wine and sat in her comfortable recliner.
As she sipped her wine, she stared out the window into the backyard where her family used to play. April thought about a time when Carl tried to teach Georgia how to hit a baseball. He pitched one right down the middle, allowing Georgia to hit it as hard as she could straight at her father.
She smacked Carl right between the legs. He keeled over in pain and April had to pretend to feel bad for him. But inside, she always thought it was funny. He was the one who wanted to play ball with her. And if he had been better at it, he would have caught the ball, or at the very least moved out of the way.
The thought of that memory made April feel just a little bit better. Still, she wanted to talk to someone, anyone, about what she was going through. Sitting alone in the house she shared with her family that was no longer here was killing her inside.
As she stared at her phone, the only person that came to mind was Georgia. But she couldn’t call her daughter and dump this information on her. She didn’t know much about divorces and how they affected the children, but she knew that she didn’t want to put Georgia in the middle of it all.
Out of the corner of her eye, out the same window that she remembered the fateful backyard baseball game, April saw a rabbit. It skidded across the yard, stopping every once in a while to survey the area. The beauty of the white rabbit made her heart skip a beat.
She always was one for animals. They took to her like she was one of those whisperers that knew how to read their minds. Maybe she should have been in one of Carl’s circuses. Would that make him pay attention to her? Probably not, she thought, as she sipped more of her white wine.
At first, she’d wanted to become a veterinarian. It was a match made in heaven on career day. But her mother reminded her of all the good opportunities that could come from being a lawyer. They had better pay, a wider scope of work, and the ability to grow in business and notoriety.
After some convincing, April decided she would go into law. At the time it made the most sense. She would work in environmental law, sub-specializing in cases regarding animals. It would keep her lifelong dream of working with animals and still fulfill her mother’s dreams of a sophisticated, successful career.
When she got to law school and met Carl, he wanted her to go into corporate law. They made more money and had high profile cases. It was easier to get into. At the time, it felt like Carl made sense. So she went into corporate law.
And as she sat in that recliner drinking her wine, a thought occurred to her. She had lost all her dreams to fulfill everyone else’s. Her life had been formed by other people, into a shape that was unrecognizable to her.
Not only did she let them choose the path her life followed, but she let that work consume her. With not even enough time to move her only child into college, April had nothing outside of her career. Her days were filled with mundane work she didn’t even enjoy. How ridiculous that she let herself get this far into life without ever noticing.
This had been going on the whole time. This life she’d chosen to live wasn’t hers at all. She’d been blind to it before, but now, alone and with almost nothing to lose, she came to her senses.
Tears fell down her cheeks as she thought about all she’d missed in this life that wasn’t even hers. It wasn’t anything like she’d imagined it to be when she was young. Though when she was young, she also thought that she could sneak a turtle into the house without her mother noticing.
In an attempt to feel better, April wiped her tears and reminded herself that her husband was a jerk and the only way to make things better was to push forward. She could do what she wanted with the time she had left.
This whole life needed a reboot. A husband leaving her, a child off to college, a job she hated. It meant she needed to find the reset button for this life. What this fresh start looked like, she had no idea. But she knew it needed to be done.
If Carl could enjoy his circuses, she could find something she’d enjoy too. Whatever that may be. It was a new era and she was going to live her life to the fullest from here on out.
There was just one thing that she didn’t understand. How do you know what you want to do after years of listening to everyone else?
***
Now that the sun had gone down, April had another glass of her favorite white wine. Mostly because she deserved it for giving her life to a clown that wanted to go to the circus.
Trying to find a way to push forward, April tried to remember who she used to be before all of this came crashing down around her. The pictures started to look a little fuzzy the more she drank, but the memories still came to her just the same.
