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Without glancing at him, because I’m afraid he’ll see how much all of this hurts me, I say, “The roads are clear now, so I can buy some, and as for the rest, I’ll figure it out.”
It isn’t until I hit the top of the stairs that I hear him say, “Maybe later.”
My shoulders drop, my eyes squeeze shut, and I force air in through my nose so I don’t openly cry in front of him. Cora was so wrong, and this three-step plan is stupid. I’m an inconvenience to him, and this hurts.
“Have you talked to your boyfriend? Does he know you’re here?”
At this, I can’t help but look over at him, and I see this question cost him. His lips are pressed flat together, there’s a muscle ticking in his jaw, and his cheeks are pink. He’s irritated with himself for asking but curious enough to want to know the answer.
“I don’t have a boyfriend.” I drop my gaze down to the fidget ring on my finger and roll my thumb over it while he continues to stare at me, making me feel smaller than I already do.
“H-How did you do it? How could you be with me knowing you were with him?” He’s standing completely still and staring at me. His eyes are slightly narrowed, but the question and the resentment are evident in the set of his jaw and the lines between his eyes.
My heart starts pounding behind my chest because I already know my answer is not going to be what he wants to hear. “We were on a break.”
His eyes widen and he snorts in disbelief. “Like a Ross and Rachel thing?”
“Cute,” I deadpan, meanwhile my insides feel like they are shriveling up under the weight of his judgmental stare.
“Whatever,” he says, moving through the kitchen to the mudroom where he picks up Moose’s leash. Moose, not realizing what this moment is, flies off the couch and skids to a stop in front of him. He’s so happy, his tongue lolling out. I guess they’re going for a walk.
And isn’t this right here one of the things that hurts me the most? He knows nothing about my relationship with Justin. He just assumes he knows, and he’s thrown stones my way. Again.
Needing to retreat to some sort of privacy, I head down the stairs, make my way back to the room I’m staying in, and shut the door. I just can’t take it anymore.
How did I get here?
The tears that were lingering, holding on to my eyes, let go and begin to fall. I cover my mouth to try to prevent any sound from coming out. This hurts, so much. And I get it, he doesn’t think very highly of me, but the part that hurts the most is I think the world of him.
Moving through the room, I collect the few things I haven’t kept tidy and packed and shove them into my overnight bag. Taking a look around, I can’t help but think it is a really pretty space. It holds a large king-sized bed, the furniture is similar to the look upstairs, rustic yet clean, and the sliding glass doors open to a small balcony that overlooks the lake.
It isn’t long before there’s a knock on my door.
“Emma,” Clay says.
My eyes squeeze shut at the sound of his voice. I’ve always loved his voice. I don’t answer him, but he doesn’t take the hint and opens it anyway. I guess it is his house. I’m facing the lake, and I listen as he pads over and sits down too. The mattress dips, and I try to steady my heart by breathing in and breathing out. The unique smell of snow, cedarwood, and oranges wafts over me. Right after him, Moose jumps onto the bed and crawls to my side. My fingers find his damp fur.
Clay lets out a deep sigh, but I refuse to look at him. I’m also certain he sees the tear tracks too. This time I don’t even bother trying to hide them; all of this is a lost cause anyway. I suppose it doesn’t matter anymore.
“I-I’m sorry I upset you.” He leans forward so his elbows land on his knees and his head rests in his hands. “These are my issues, not yours.”
In my peripheral, I see his fingers burrow into his hair. A dull ache of yearning pulls at me as I remember what it’s like to have my fingers there instead. So thick, so soft.
“Sure doesn’t feel that way,” I whisper, rubbing my ring. I’m surprised I haven’t rubbed this ring into pieces.
“Can you tell me how long you were on the break?” He tilts his head to look at me, but I continue to stare straight in front of me, keeping my gaze locked on where I know my house is, feeling smaller and smaller as I’m shrinking into myself.
I let out a deep sigh. “Which time?”
He picks his head up and angles his body more to face mine. “What do you mean?”
“Well, in the almost six years we were together, he took six breaks. Six. I never took one. But then I met you. Just you.” My eyes drop to Moose. He really is a cute dog, and seeing he’s got my attention, he scoots closer, putting his head in my lap.
Silence hangs over us as Clay processes this, and then he drops the bomb I wasn’t expecting.
“Last year in the city, when I was supposed to meet you at your place, I saw you with him. I was across the street.”
At this, I look over at him. Panic and embarrassment fight to win the top spot of my emotions. I didn’t know he was there. I didn’t know he saw us together. No wonder he’s reacted the way he has.
