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I kiss her desperately, longing for the most natural part of us to be enough to convince her to stop exactly where her excuses were forming. The water crashing down around us only amplifies the knots in my stomach.
Lily’s lips are a torrent on mine, a combination of her and me and our tongues until she pulls away.
No smile decorates her face the way it always does after we kiss. Instead, she stares back at me, almost empty and drained of fight. “Nico, I don’t know if I’m even capable of understanding what loving you back truly means. I have no idea how to take care of myself right now, let alone be in a relationship.”
The first time I fall in love, I find the kind of love I’m certain only comes once in a lifetime, if you’re lucky. And my love looks back at me, trying to convince herself that she can’t be with me.
My limbs feel frozen. “I mean, what’s a relationship if not two friends who care about each other and act the way we have all summer?”
Lily swipes away a strand of wet hair on her neck. “I don’t know, Nico. I’ve never been in a healthy relationship before.”
“Me either, but I’ve never wanted to become a better man for someone. I’ve never wanted to keep my phone on me because I thought it was important to be present, but there is no present without you. You’ve made me responsible, and before you say anything, it’s not because I want to change just for you.” I catch my breath. “I want to change for me too. You’ve made me understand the value of having a best friend, of taking care of someone, a constant, someone I can share my adventures with, and someone to call me out on my bullshit.”
She pulls away from me, putting distance between us the way she always does. My heart aches.
Lily sighs. “But my life is an ugly mess right now.”
There she goes with the same vague responses she keeps using to protect herself.
I’m done accepting them.
I’m done throwing my heart out on the line just for her to tremble at the sight of it.
“Can you give me a clearer reason?” I press. “I deserve to understand why you don’t want to give us a real shot.”
Her nose wrinkles, but I can’t tell which emotion is glassing up her eyes.“I’m sorry, Nico. I can’t.”
“Try, Lily.Please. After everything that happened this summer, you owe me that much.”
She watches me for a few moments, then finally says, “When I was eighteen, I found my first and only boyfriend cheating on me.”
Fuck.
Her admission drops a heavy weight onto my chest, adding to the strain already nestled there.
“I’m sorry. I—I didn’t know.”
“How could you?” She frowns. “His name was Chuck, and we were together for three years. I was so helpless around him. I supported him while he went to college, and I did everything I could for him. I thought that’s what love was, unconditional and selfless.”
The name rings in my ears.Chuck.I can’t help the jealousy flooding my veins for the man who got to experience Lily’s love first.
“Loveshouldbe that.” I reach for her hand beneath the water, and she wraps her fingers in mine. “But only with the people who deserve it.”
“Maybe you’re right. Until you, I never thought that I’d fall in love again or be forced to understand what it truly means. But with Chuck…” She pauses, briefly chewing on the raw flesh of her lip. “I let myself ignore the times he wouldn’t spend the night in our bed, the times he’d keep his phone out of reach and wouldn’t answer when I called.” She cringes. “My parents weren’t planning to put me through college. I was a pretty crappy student with average grades and a short attention span, so Chuck and I made a plan. He would get his degree, and I’d get mine afterward.”
My free hand balls into a fist, suppressing the surge of anger pulsating in me. “I’m guessing that plan didn’t work out?”
“It did not.” Lily lets out a wry chuckle. “When his dick was inside the mouth of some girl from his accounting class on the night of our anniversary, the whole thing sort of fell apart.”
“What?”
“Not even the worst part." Lily pulls her hand out of mine and uses it to toss her braids over her shoulders. “He was cheating on me for over a year with my own friends, women from his classes, and his professors. It was a disaster. His reason was plain and simple. It was my fault.” She looks away, her cheeks turning a bright pink.
“No.” The explanation is starting to help me piece together so much of her behavior, about her walls and her defense mechanisms.A deep part of me aches because I couldn’t be there to keep her safe.
“Yeah. Chuck explained he needed to be with an ambitious and intelligent girl. Not someone who sits around and writes silly stories.”
She finally pins me with her gaze. The sound of the waterfall fills the growing space between us.
