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This jerk is probably why Lily thinks her writing shouldn’t be taken seriously.
She explains more of the awful details of her only relationship, which turns my heartbreak into nausea.
“You didn’t deserve any of that, Lily. I hope you understand that the scumbag who had the chance to cherish you but broke you instead isn’t worth spending a minute of your time on.”
She lifts her thumb between her teeth, chewing at a stray cuticle. I reach for her hand, wanting to stop the spell of self-inflicted torture, and clasp it in mine.
“I know that now,” she says, “but that breakup is how Zoe Mona was born. I wanted to become the kind of person who would never allow someone to run over my heart the way he did. To become the kind of girl who didn’t let love get in the way.”
I open my mouth to give her some kind of assurance, but I let her go on instead.
Her shoulders slump. “Figuring out how to close this loop in my life is what I need right now, Nico. No more getting revenge on Chuck or myself, no more letting him affect me after all these years.”
“I support you, my girl. I really do. But you don’t have to be on your own.” I take a step closer and lean my forehead to hers. “I didn’t get the privilege of being your first love, of showing you exactly how you should’ve been treated, but I want to be your last.”
“I believe you, Nico. I really do.”
“Then what are you so afraid of? I’d never hurt you that way. I’d never break your heart or disrespect you.”
Lily folds her bottom lip between her teeth again, her brows creasing slightly. “I’m just afraid of being in a relationship right now. I need to go home, back to the safety of my routine, so that I can attempt to process the past few months. It wouldn’t feel right committing to you without gaining some more footing in my life first.”
“I would never let you lose yourself.”
It’s not fair to be upset because I know that sometimes you need to put yourself first. I understand that better than almost anyone. I naively thoughtlovewould be the exception to that rule. Despite the mess and liabilities, I’d hoped Lily would want to work through it together.
Lily pulls away from me and takes a short step back. “Nico, please understand. I don’t want to repeat the mistake I made with Chuck. I put my love for him before myself. Until I can have a breath of reality and some time to piece myself back together, I won’t be able to giveusa shot.”
A deep part of me resonates with the way she described the desperation of her first love; the all-consuming nature of it is a foreign feeling.
If this is what she wants, then it’s what I have to let her do. However much it pains me to imagine a world where she isn’t in my life every day.
It would be foolish of me to not honor the one request she’s made since the summer took a turn.
“Okay. But what’s the plan now?”
She pulls away from me. The late-afternoon sun peeks through the waterfall, shimmering across her solemn face.
“I—I know I can’t tell you to not be with anyone else—”
A strain worms its way into my jaw. “I don’t want anyone else, Lil.”
“Me neither. But I don’t know how much time I’m going to need and if you want to…”
“Stop.” I fail to tame the unnecessary bite in my voice. “I just need to understand what’s happening with you and us from now on.”
“I don’t have a plan, and I truly can’t tell you how long I’ll need. All I know is I need to get help, real help. Like therapy and consistency.”
That’s not the answer I was hoping for. “I don’t think it’s fair for me to wait for you for an indeterminate amount of time.” My words catch in my throat.
“No. I know it isn’t—”
My ego is too bruised to let her continue. “What do we tell Luca and Avery?”
Her lip quivers slightly, a stray tear rushing down her cheek, and I ache to swipe it away, to erase any of the pain she’s feeling, but I can’t.
I can’t reach for her.
I can’t keep trying to latch myself onto her in the hopes that she’ll ditch the idea that working on herself while being with me is impossible.
