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“You think I’m a monster? There, I just fucked you like one.”
Letting my arms fall, I dropped her. She turned around, tears streaming down her pink cheeks, and slapped me. Then, slid to the floor and sobbed in a heap of a little body at the foot of the stairs.
Watching her crumble made me more sober than I had been in a month. The self-hatred that overcame me left me in a vast cavern of despair. My knees hit the floor in front of her. “Essa, I-I’m so—”
“Get. Out.” Beneath her curtain of beautiful blonde hair, her blue eyes blazed.
Sprinting out the front door, I left it wide open and ran through the backyard to the woods I had once found refuge in. I couldn’t stand this feeling, being fully awake, not having something to take away my guilt and shame. Knowing everything I had done and everything I still wanted to do to her.
Davis was right. I wasn’t worthy of her. I wasn’t worthy of anything.
Pulling out my phone, I called my friend. “Dix, man. I’m coming to that party. Can you pick me up?” I thought the night I was arrested was rock bottom, but I hadn’t realized how much further I had to fall.
Dix picked me up from the neighborhood behind Essa’s. Lighting up a cigarette, I blew the smoke out of the passenger window in silence while he drove. Several times he opened his mouth to say something, but I just turned his radio up louder.
“Slim is having the shindig at his old place. His parents died, and he still lives there.”
I didn’t respond.
“Let’s see, Slim, Oakes, Riot, hmmm, maybe Fednarc will be there.” He eyed me carefully. “And probably some chicks. You know how they like their parties.”
I nodded. Guys I hadn’t seen since high school or my drug days. I knew what that meant. It meant grave dust would be there. It meant lots of women looking to get laid for free dust would be there. Dixson was preparing me, letting me know I could turn around now, and he’d take me wherever. Except I knew where I wanted to go. Anywhere but inside myself.
We showed up at Slim’s house and walked in. “That you, Dix?” I heard him yell from the living room.
When Dix and I rounded the corner, the living room was filled with people. It was like a high school reunion. Scantily clad women were sitting on men’s laps, on the couch arms, or dancing in the middle of the room. It was just like I remembered before I was sent away. Nothing had changed. Seven years were gone just by walking into the house.
“Holy shit! Is that Griff?” Oakes said. The giant guy stood to hug me one-armed while grasping my hand. Instead of linebacker shape, he had gotten rounder. Riot and Fednarc followed after him.
“Man, I heard you got locked up for murder.” Fednarc’s eyebrows hit what was left of his receding brown hairline. Skinny as ever, his shifty eyes darted around the room as he spoke.
“Nah, just for dealing.” The guys nodded. They’d shared some time behind bars, but not as long as me.
Slim was sitting down, rolling a blunt, and couldn’t get up. “Take a seat, brother. Have this first smoke.” He passed me the blunt and lighter.
My hands stayed at my sides. If I smoked this, there was a chance Bass would test me and I’d get sent back.
“You got anything to drink?”
“I got you,” said a thin brunette girl with long hair and hippy braids. Her dark brown eyes smiled at me as she walked toward the kitchen.
I shook my palms at Slim, turning down the blunt. He nodded at me and said, “I been there, man. Gotta pass those fucking tests.” He lit it up and smoked it before passing it to the busty blonde on his lap.
The hippie brunette came back with two beers and handed me a cold one. “Thanks.” Popping the top, I didn’t hesitate to knock it back.
As the night progressed, I downed a few more and was feeling loose. I could still think, though, and that was dangerous. The guilt and turmoil from what I had just done to Essa wore heavily in my mind. I needed something to drown it all out, dull the ache pounding through my mind. If I was alone or if I was given the opportunity… I’d probably end it all right now.
Just when I was thinking it was probably for the best, Riot sat down next to me. “How you been, man? Seriously. It’s been a long time,” he said, flipping his shaggy black hair out of his eyes. His tongue still did that thing where he constantly flicked at his lip piercings.
“Uh, fine. Working for my brother.”
“Oh, yeah? I take my car there. Adon’s a scary motherfucker. Always was, but you look like you could take him now.”
The last thing I wanted to talk about was my family or myself. “How’ve you been? What are you into these days?”
Riot pulled out a baggie. Before he even opened it, I knew exactly what it was. My pulse raced and my nose tingled. He took out his wallet next and a dollar bill. Stamping the crystals with the end of a lighter, he started lining it up on the glass coffee table, cutting it with his bank card.
“Same shit. I knocked up Kendall from high school. The guys fucked with me for two years for that one.”
