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Rehearsed speech straight out the window, my word vomit strikes again.
“I’m in love with Jordan and he’s in love with me. He’s married, but not really married, and I tried to stop it, but I just can’t. I’ve fought it for so long. He’s divorcing Sasha because she’s gay, no, not because she’s gay, but that’s part of it. Fuck, you can’t repeat that, nobody knows, and she doesn’t know if she’s going to come out yet or not.”
“Breathe, Nat, just breathe. I swear you will never grow out of this.” His voice is the first voice I can remember being there for me in these rants, and it immediately has me slowing down and trying to put my brain into a stall pattern.
Until the panic hits. Xavier’s still silent. What is he thinking, his sister and his best friend?
“Xav…” I say, my voice pleading. I just want something, even yelling would be preferable at this stage.
“You think this is news to me? Damn, Nat, I’ve known for years there was something between you. Christ, I think everyone could see it but you two. Why do you think I pushed for you to go to New York? It was going to take you locked up together for longer than a few hours for the lid to finally blow on all that tension.”
“Oh, we saw it, felt it, and at times acted on it.” I gasp and cover my mouth with my hand. I really need to get better at this.
“No, don’t continue. Too many details, and I don’t want to have to kill my best friend.” I can hear him breathing and then the obvious question comes. “Please tell me nothing happened while he was married.” His voice is quiet like he doesn’t know if he really wants the answer.
“Never.” Well, except this morning, but technically the marriage is over—oh fuck, I’m not even going there with Xavier.
“Thank God. Then why the hell did he get married—I mean, to someone he knew was gay? Wait, did he know? I’m so confused.” Now it’s my turn to tell him to breathe and let me explain.
I give him the brief rundown on what I know and a bit of the history on how it was me who kept pushing Jordan away. The part about all the hook-ups, well, that will remain just between Jordan and me.
“Xavier, please stop with the questions, we haven’t had time to really talk about it all yet. Hopefully after he gets home from training, so just be patient. Yes, I know it’s not your strong point!”
“Ugghh, okay, but you’re killing me, Nat.” That would have to be a first. Normally it’s the other way around and I’m threatening him as he drives me crazy.
“Xavier… you haven’t said one thing… you know, about your best friend and your sister.” My stomach does a roll of anxiety as I ask the question. “It’s been one of the reasons I never pursued him. I didn’t want you to lose him.” My voice is barely above a whisper by the last words.
“Oh no, Nat, I’m so sorry. I don’t get to do that to you. You should’ve told me. God, I feel so guilty.” Something in me doesn’t entirely believe he’s as calm as he is saying.
“Before Alesha, would you have felt the same? Honestly?” I ask.
Silence stretches for a moment and then his reply is what I expect. “No, fuck no. I would have punched him the moment I found out. But I get it now. You can’t choose who you love, Nat.”
“Tell me about it.” Laughing, we chat a little longer until he tells me he needs to go, making me promise to call again tomorrow.
Letting relief settle over me, now I just want Jordan home and time to really talk. There is so much that needs sorting, and that still has my mind not being able to fully fall into the happiness that’s surrounding me.
I need to call Jordan and let him know I called Xavier. I probably should have waited and asked him, but I’ve been keeping it from him for too long and would never forgive myself if he somehow heard it from anyone but me.
The call goes straight through to voicemail, and I don’t bother to leave a message.
Needing something to do to occupy me while I wait, I start pulling food from the fridge and preparing lunch for us both. As much as all my training tells me it’s wrong and it’s the worst advice to tell someone, Jordan’s words that eating will make me feel better are still dancing around, and currently, he might actually be right.
JORDAN
“You bastard, why the hell didn’t you talk to me?”
“Hey, Xavier,” I say, trying so hard to gauge his mood.
“Don’t you ‘Hey Xavier’ me, asshole. You fell in love with my sister, when I’ve repeatedly told you when we were growing up that she’s off limits. What didn’t you understand at the time?” His tone of voice is flat and giving nothing away. “You more than fell in love with her, you kept her as your dirty little secret. I just can’t even…”
No fucking way, he doesn’t get to judge Nat and me or talk about her like that.
“Stop right there! You might be her brother, but I will not let you speak about her like that. Nat will never be my dirty secret. I have loved your sister since I was eighteen years old, and out of respect for her wishes and you, but mainly her, I have stayed away. Fuck, I entered into a fake marriage just to save myself in the hope that one day she would finally let me in. So, you can think what you fucking like, but you will not stop me from being with her. Never again will I let anything get between us. Fuck you, Xavier, I thought you were bigger than this.” I slow my rant as his laughter breaks through my car speakers. Getting louder and deeper, I know he’s laughing so much now he is almost to the point he can’t breathe.
“You done now, asshole?” All the anger that was getting ready to unleash on him has changed to laughter, with the both of us joining in on the joke. “I can’t believe you did that to me, man. You’re supposed to have my back, not put me through the wringer too. Fuck, if you were in the room, I probably would have thumped you.”
“Like you would even be able to drop me. Who is the boxing coach here?” I can’t keep the jokes up, I need to hear him tell me the truth.
