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The frustration and pain we’re both feeling.
“Doesn’t mean I don’t want it… bad.” His voice, full of hurt, echoes in the still of the night.
“Me too… it’s just not meant to be.” The hands connecting us aren’t enough anymore. Crawling over and laying my head on his chest, my hand on his heart that’s thumping a regular beat, I close my eyes and wish things were different. His arms close around me and I know he’s thinking the same thing.
After a few moments of just taking in the silence, I know I need to help to move us both past this.
“Let’s not waste the rest of the night. Tell me why you were feeling unbalanced tonight. Why did you bring me out here?” My hand softly moves up and down on his chest.
“It doesn’t seem important now.” The tone in his voice is a little rough.
“It’s important to me. Please, tell me, I want to help. You know I’m a good listener.”
His chest rises as he takes in a big breath and slowly exhales.
“I’m scared, Nat. Petrified is probably a better word. Everyone is so happy for me and they have all these big expectations. But what if I let them down and make a total mess of it? I mean, if I can’t keep my grades up, I lose the scholarship. Or what if my football skills aren’t as good as they think? I mean, I look strong in this league, but against all the other players on the varsity team, I might struggle. Or God forbid I get injured.”
The guy I thought was untouchable and always in control, the cool calm quarterback, is laying his vulnerability out, raw, for me to see. I doubt he has ever shown anyone this side of himself before. The friendship he and Xavier have is tight but not on this level. Teenage boys just don’t let their guard down like that.
Before I can start to talk, the last thing that comes from him almost breaks my heart.
“And then my family will just sit back and say we told you so. Now come home and find a real job.” The hurt in those words is so evident, and I think if I looked at him now, he would have tears welling in his eyes.
“I want to tell you none of that will happen but there are no guarantees in life. But what I can tell you is this. If you are struggling with school, then we find a tutor. Your football skills speak for themselves, but if you feel they’re lacking, then you fucking work harder. You know where you want to get to, and you are the only one who can do that. Injuries will happen, but the important thing is to do the right thing and don’t ignore them. Ask for help as soon as you think something isn’t right.” I can feel his heartbeat under my hand slowing a little and his breathing calming.
“As for your family… they love you and might not approve of your dreams, but you know what? They don’t have to because they aren’t their dreams. This is Jordan Brandon’s dream.” I poke him in the chest with my finger to make him take notice. “Your dream!” The sides of his lips are turning up just slightly which tells me he’s listening.
“And don’t forget that I’ll always be here to cheer you on from a distance. I think it’s amazing what you’re doing, and I can’t wait to see you shine on the big stage—or should I say in the big stadium.” This gets a little laugh from him.
“Yeah, you already told me my singing skills weren’t going to take me very far on a stage.”
“Exactly. But also remember that if this doesn’t work out the way you plan it, then there are always other doors to open in life. And if that happens then no one will think any different of you. However, if you don’t give this opportunity your best shot then I will be disappointed in you.”
I can feel his body tense up at my last words, but he needed to hear the truth.
Leaning up with my chin now resting on his chest, I want him to really hear this, as I’m not sure anyone has ever told him this before, so it might be my one chance.
“Jordan, I believe in you, but that means nothing if you don’t believe in yourself.”
I know I shouldn’t and I’m just making things harder, but I can’t help it, looking at his mouth so close.
Not trying to confuse this, I start slow as our lips touch. Tender and soft, wanting him to know how much I want him to move on from tonight and succeed in life. It’s like pouring all the words you can’t say into the moment of a kiss. I know it’s not just me who is trying to say things as our mouths dance together. The other thing that has him unhinged tonight is me. I know this because he has me feeling totally scrambled in my head, which is exactly the reason I have to walk away. If he is to get his dream, then I can’t be the one holding him back.
It’s time to break the magic moment and go home.
As I pull back slowly, his hand slides up to my shoulder, trying to hold me here.
“We have to go home, Jordan. Can’t stay here all night.” I speak so softly, saying words I don’t really want to, but one of us must.
“Not yet, I need more time. If I only get this one chance, I don’t want to rush it.” The grin on his face tells me that he has plans for more before we leave.
“You look like you’re up to mischief.” I can’t help but giggle at the look he has.
“Not yet, but I want to be. Come on, Nat, let’s try that again and see if I can make it better the second time around.” He’s using humor to try to hide the begging.
I want to say yes, I can feel my body begging me to say it too, but I know it will be a mistake.
“Jordan. That’s not a good idea and you know it. We need to get dressed and you take me home. What if Xavier is looking for me?”
