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The mention of my brother’s name is like throwing a bucket of cold water on us both.
“He won’t be, but I get it. It’s over.”
In that exact moment, I feel him pulling away from me.
Not physically, but emotionally.
The wall is up, and we are both denying everything we’re feeling.
Slipping clothes on is the barrier we both need. No words are spoken and the air around us feels thick suddenly.
Watching Jordan lacing up his shoes, I’m standing next to him clinging to the folded blanket from the ground. It feels like it has all my feelings of the moment wrapped up inside it. I wish I could keep it for those times I know I’m going to have later, where I want to be back here, in this memory.
With him standing in front of me, it’s like we’re in a standoff. Neither of us want to move or say anything.
Time is ticking, and I know it’s me who needs to break the moment.
“Let’s go,” I whisper as I start turning away from him.
The world spins as he pulls me back into his arms and slams his lips onto mine. The heat and intensity are more than I’ve ever known. Jordan is consuming me, and I let him because I can’t seem to say no.
One more kiss and embrace. For the final time.
“No matter where you go, Nat, never forget how much I care. I will always be here if you need me, or if one day… you finally realize how much you want me too.” The deep rasp in his voice will leave his words imprinted on my brain.
Desperate for me to change my decision but strong enough to show he is respecting it.
Letting me go, we both stand, staring out at the lake and the beautiful twinkling lights. The special feeling is now overshadowed by his words.
Even though I’m doing the right thing, why do I feel so shitty?
I know he’s waiting for an answer but it’s not one I can easily give.
Squeezing his hand, I take the step to turn for the walk to the truck.
Without a word of reply.
Which is the harshest reply of all.
Our ride home is silent, only broken by the music softly playing in the background. Totally different to our vocal catastrophe on the drive out.
Pulling up out the front of my house, both of us stare out the front window, not saying a word, not moving, just stuck in the moment. Not sure what to say or do.
It’s like it’s a break-up of a relationship we never even began.
I started this, so I know I need to end it.
Leaning over, the scent that is all Jordan envelopes me and sends my body crazy. I kiss him on the cheek, just holding my lips there for a few seconds longer than I should.
“Thank you, for everything.” I want to say so much more, but I don’t.
I place my hand on the door handle and pull it open for my escape. I expect him to say something, but behind me there is still silence. I don’t look back, just slide out and close the door, walk up the pathway to the dark house.
I’ve never felt so lonely and alone in my own home before.
The front door now closed, my barrier to the outside world in place, I run upstairs to my room, flopping onto the bed and bursting into tears. It isn’t until that moment I realize I’m still clutching the blanket from the lake. Draping it over me, I snuggle into the smell of Jordan and let out all the turmoil I’ve brought on myself.
One day he will look back and thank me for this.
