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Let’s just hope it’s Nat’s smell of sweetness and not vomit.
ChapterTen
NATALIE
Wish I had fallen for you earlier, maybe you would have given me a chance to love you.
My dreams come and go, but there is one voice I keep hearing, repeating the same words. It feels like my subconscious is saying the words I don’t want to hear.
Nothing feels right. This bed is different, and the blankets wrapped around me should make me feel a sense of calm, but instead they are constrictive. Opening my eyes, the room is dark and I’m a little disorientated. The small screen on the microwave across the room tells me it’s just after four am. The smell doesn’t let me forget where I am, though. Jordan is so close yet so far.
I’m such an idiot.
What was I thinking drinking last night? That’s not me, not even close to the real me.
I’m so embarrassed.
My head is hurting but not as much as my pride.
I started it all by pushing him away, and I know in my heart it’s still the right thing to do. When I’m far away, it’s easier to do that because I don’t have to see him. Or worse still, see the girls he has hanging off him. Tonight was pure torture.
I know it’s probably still partly the alcohol in my system making me emotional, but I can’t stop the tears from running down my cheeks. Not loud sobbing but just the single little tears that escape even when you’re trying to hold them in.
The silent ones.
All I can hear is Jordan breathing.
Deep, slow, and controlled. He’s in a solid sleep.
I know this will be the last time I see him for a long time. I’m not coming back and putting myself through this. Lying on my side, in the dim light peeking in from the campus security lighting, I can see him sleeping.
His back to me.
Naked toned muscle, he seems to look like the perfect specimen. Strong shoulders that run down to his biceps that are bulged even while he sleeps. I didn’t picture his neck before now, but it’s certainly bulked up since he left home. Actually, his whole body is bigger, stronger, and not the shape of a high school boy. His body is built for strength and speed now, with arms of steel.
Already ascertaining how stupid I am, I can’t stop myself from compounding it. Making this night more complicated than it already is.
But later today, I’ll be gone and too far away to make a difference.
Slowly slipping out from under the blankets on his comfy bed and sliding down onto the floor, I lift his blanket ever so carefully and lie down behind him on the mattress. His body stirs a little, but again it becomes still, his breathing pattern never changing. Waiting a few seconds, I close the distance and press my body up against his back. I snuggle my head into the curve of his neck and my arm around his waist. Lightly resting it there, hoping he doesn’t even notice me. My hand moves up and down with his chest as he keeps breathing at the same pace.
I just want to stay here.
A few minutes, that’s all I need to remind me what he feels like.
I commit to memory that feeling from two years ago.
It’s hard to describe, like when you step under a hot shower for the first few minutes. Just standing there, water running over every inch of your body, warming it and washing away all the worries you have. Feeling your muscles letting go and relaxing, like all the tension is gone, the knots have released, and the warmth fills your soul.
I fill my body with all the energy that is radiating from Jordan.
I promised myself just a few minutes… but maybe just a little longer.
I’ll move soon… just not yet.
My breathing slows and tears dry up.
Just a bit more time…
