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“I trust you… but I don’t know if I trust me to be able to do this.” Tears of fear are now running down my face, my voice quivering. How was I sitting there all calm and dreaming of my little baby’s face and now it feels like that same baby is trying to break free by ripping me apart from the inside.
“Keep her safe, Noah?” I whimper, looking into his eyes, begging him to make it all okay.
“It’s a girl, huh?” He stands me up a little straighter and smiles down at me.
“I’ve been dreaming about her.” I try to put one foot in front of the other as we head down the stairs.
“Well, we will know soon enough. Let’s get you to the truck.”
“Not too soon. At least let me make it to a bed!” I scream a little as the next contraction takes hold, rendering me speechless.
GHOST
My plans that I had made in my head are all shuffling like an old-fashioned juke box, flipping through the records before it finds the one that was picked.
Come on, I need to remember what to do for water breaking and intense labor pains from the start. Like the computer in my brain uses my thoughts as its search engine, my memory pulls what I need to the front, and I switch into action.
Trying to get Cassie into my truck is proving difficult. It’s just one of the vehicles that I have here now, as well as the Range Rover. We don't get too many steps before she needs to stop again. I’m strong, but I fear if I try to pick her up, she will jerk in pain, and I might drop her. It’s a risk I’m not taking.
Finally, I have helped her up into the seat and breathed through a contraction with her, and we are now rumbling down the road to our little sanctuary in the trees.
I’ve lived through gun fights, I’ve hidden out and faced days without water and food, taken a bullet and many slashes with all sorts of blades. None of that pain compares to the feeling of my heart being ripped apart listening to Cassie crying out in agony.
“Nearly there, hang on, and I’ll get the painkillers.” Her hand squeezes mine like she is about to break every bone in it. I don’t care, break away, beautiful.
“I don’t want… the drugs, I told you… that!” she says between breathing, telling me in no uncertain terms that she is doing this on her own.
“Maybe so, but if I think you need them, then you are taking them!” Just like I said, my wife is so fucking stubborn.
I get her finally settled on our bed and the computer logged in and Zoom call activated. We’ve tested this many times and have the camera positioned so that neither Cassie’s nor my face can be seen. We can hear the doctor, but we’re muted, so I can talk to Cassie and not worry about either of us using our actual names. Especially when she is yelling at me, which I’m fully expecting. I’ll just unmute the call when I need to.
The labor pains have been so intense, and it’s been forty-five minutes since her water broke. The fetal monitor we had shipped here shows the baby is a little distressed. The doctor agrees she is fully dilated, and I can see the top of the baby’s head.
Looking into her exhausted eyes, I just want to take the pain away for her, but she won’t let me. I hate not being in control of decisions, and the only person who I can’t seem to overrule is Cassie. She won’t give in and is doing this all on her own. I knew she was strong, but today she has shown me I had no idea truly how deep that strength goes.
“Cassie, it’s time to start pushing. Next contraction, I need you to push down hard.” Her hair is plastered to her face, lying back on the pillows I have her propped up on.
For all the reading I have done and research videos I have watched, nothing could’ve prepared me for how scared I feel. I’m no doctor, what was I even thinking?! I have the two most important people in the world relying on me, and if I can’t do this right, then I lose them both. That’s not an option I can even contemplate.
“Here we go.” I see her face changing. Sitting up, she bites down on her lip and grunts loudly. I push her knees up toward her stomach, watching intently as the top of the baby’s head starts crowning. “That’s it, I see the head, keep going, keep going.”
I’m so torn. I want to be holding her and comforting her, but I have to do this part. When we made this decision, at first I thought Cassie was crazy for suggesting it, but she knew deep down that she would manage. Despite her initial fear, there haven’t been many words from her. She has just gone into her own zone and has been concentrating on getting through it.
The baby’s head has just popped out as Cassie drops back on the bed, looking like she almost has nothing left to give.
“You did it, the head’s out. One more push, Cassie, just one more big one.” I don’t want to hurt her, but she gives a little cry of pain as I push my finger into her to make sure the cord isn’t wrapped around the baby’s neck. Lifting it up and over, I take a little breath of relief that it’s not going to be a problem.
“I don’t think I can…” Cassie murmurs as I hear the doctor’s voice telling me to get ready, that as soon as one of the shoulders breaks through, the baby will be born instantly, and I have to be ready to catch a slippery little body.
“Yes, you can, you don’t have a choice. Your baby needs you!” I’m yelling at her a little louder than I should be, but it does the trick, and as the contraction hits her, with all her ferocity she is up again, pushing and screaming, but this time, it’s at me.
“Noooooaaaaaahhhhh!”
With a towel ready, the doctor was right. The speed the baby is born almost takes me by surprise, along with the amount of fluid that is rushing out at the same time.
It’s like time stands still as I look down at the little squished-up face and body covered in blood and muck.
A little girl, a perfect little girl.
