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The first little cry from our daughter brings me back into the chaos as Cassie is crying and mumbling my name over and over again, lying back on the bed, totally exhausted and starting to shake a little.
Lifting our daughter up onto her mother’s naked chest brings Cassie back to life and settles the shivers. She wraps her arms around the little bundle.
“A girl, Noah. A daughter.” We’re both still and just here in the moment, tears streaming and staring at the miracle that has been gifted to us in the worst possible time of our lives.
Another contraction, much softer, hits Cassie, reminding me that this isn’t over yet. The doctor is now talking quietly to me and helping me through birthing the placenta safely and making sure that the bleeding stops. It’s like I’m just working on auto pilot, listening to his voice and doing as he instructs. When I get to cutting the cord, I say a prayer to the universe that I am a big enough man to keep both my girls safe in this world. As I make the final cut, my little girl is on her own now, and Cassie’s body is no longer her safe space.
Thanking the doctor and disconnecting the video, I’m just standing frozen, looking at the scene before me.
I should be seeing all the blood and the mess on the sheets we layered over a piece of plastic on the bed, ready for when the time came.
But I don’t see any of that.
My eyes are drawn to my wife holding my daughter. It’s a vision I never believed that I would be blessed with. It’s like there is this golden aura around them of pureness and love. Cassie is stroking our little one’s cheek, and her happy tears are still sliding down her face. I want to be in the moment with them too.
Not even thinking, I pull off my clothes and climb onto the bed next to Cassie, our skin touching and my arm wrapping around them both. I kiss Cassie on the lips, like she is breathing her beauty and light into my soul. My tears are back falling as I kiss my daughter for the first time.
My mouth is dry and trying to talk is difficult, but it’s important.
“I’d never known love until you, and now look what we created.” It’s a mere whisper out of my mouth, but it’s the best I can do.
“She is so beautiful, Noah. I can’t believe we did it.” Cassie’s bright eyes, the ones that pulled me in from the moment I saw her, are now looking up at me from the little pink face in her arms. I’m a goner.
“You did it, my warrior queen. I was just here to watch in awe,” I praise, kissing her forehead and trying to get even closer to them both, even though I don’t think it’s possible without smothering them.
“Thank you.” The way Cassie is looking up at me has my heart beating faster. “For keeping us both safe.” Fuck, this woman overwhelms my heart with her words.
“Always and forever,” is all I can get out.
We lie together a little longer until our little girl starts to cry out the tiniest little squeal. We look at each other, slightly startled about what it means, but by the time the second one follows, Cassie the mother is already kicking in.
“I should try to feed her. She might be hungry.” She’s trying to look confident, but I know we are both terrified on the inside. We are completely on our own and only have each other—oh, and the internet—to rely on. I’ve never been so thankful for technology.
While Cassie is trying to latch her, I start cleaning up around them, getting rid of everything that needs throwing away. I use a damp cloth to wipe all of Cassie down and make her feel clean and refreshed. Thankfully the feeding seems to be going okay and there is no crying yet, from either of them. Because I’m sure there will be times that the emotions of being here alone and not sharing such a special time with anyone is going to get the better of Cassie, and I don’t blame her one bit.
After helping Cassie to get dressed a little so she doesn’t feel so exposed after such an intense time, both of the girls are now lying in the bed. With Cassie’s help, I clean up our little girl and wrap her in a blanket. They both look settled, but I’m sure Cassie is going to need sleep, and hopefully they will both nap shortly and I can go ahead and get our daughter’s birth registered and sort out all her papers and a passport. I must be ready in case we need to fly at a moment’s notice. A lot of what I’m doing is breaking the law, but I don’t see it as a bad thing. When I am doing this to keep them both safe, then to me, that’s acceptable.
“Is she just as you dreamed?” I ask Cassie, remembering what she said as she went into labor earlier.
“So much more,” she replies, not taking her eyes off her.
“What are we going to name our princess?” I sit on the bed, looking down at the two most precious beings.
“I know we had some names picked out, but my heart is telling me who she should be. My mom’s name was Beatrice, but I can’t call her that because it’s too dangerous for her. All my mom’s friends called her Bessy, so I would like our little girl to be Bessy too. Do you like that?” The memory of the mother she lost, and who she is missing more than ever right now, is written all over her expression as she looks at her own daughter.
“Bessy,” I repeat, trying it on my lips. “It’s a perfect name for our princess.”
Cassie leans over and kisses Bessy on the cheek, as I follow her on Bessy’s other cheek. “Welcome to our family, Bessy,” Cassie whispers as a few tears escape from her again.
“Shh, beautiful. Sleep. You need it. Take it while you can. I’ll watch over you both.”
Her eyes close without any protest. The adrenaline she would have needed to get through the birth is now waning, and her body is totally spent.
“Mhmm, stay.” She reaches her hand out to mine and holds tight as she starts drifting off.
I thought I was a tough guy, but today, I have had two epiphanies.
The first is that my wife’s inner strength is far greater than mine. And the second is that both of these girls in front of me can bring me to my knees far quicker than anything else in the world.
