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“Just do it, Victoria!” And my rudeness is enough that she turns and gets out of the car, marching in through the open door that the doorman is holding for her. I wait until I see her enter my private elevator and then I tell the driver to leave and take me to my office.
I need to be alone.
ChapterTwenty-Three
VICTORIA
Ilove him, I know I do, and it’s crazy because I only just met him.
And I know love is supposed to conquer everything, but it doesn’t.
Can I live like this? One moment in the lust-driven paradise where he is worshiping me like forbidden fruit. Then the next minute, it’s like I’m in the dark of a cupboard where the door has been shut on me, not knowing what the hell is happening, scared and so confused.
This isn’t what love should be.
I might not have age or experience on my side, but I know emotions, and this is not how good ones should feel, rising and falling more times in a day than a rollercoaster.
I’m standing in the bedroom with all my things scattered around me, but in his space, I feel like an intruder, and I can’t take it any longer.
I know he will be gone for a while. He was not like normal, worse than I have ever seen him before. It wasn’t just anger, there was more. He had shut down. The wall that I had pushed so hard to get through was back up, and it felt thicker than before.
He has baggage, don’t we all in life, but I don’t think I can help carry his if he won’t let me in. His mum was right about him pushing me away, but I’m not sure she understands the extent of this broken man. He needs help from more than just me, professional help from someone who can pull back the layers of anger and abandonment that clouds every step he makes in life. I think carrying these thoughts all his life has robbed him of the chance to learn how to feel. He mentally and physically doesn’t know how to receive love or how to reciprocate it when it’s right there in front of him.
I was fooling myself if I didn’t think he would run again. Deep down I knew he would hurt me, and I stupidly thought I could push through that and prove to him that I was worth the hurt we were both feeling.
That I could fix him.
But I was wrong.
As much as I can now see he is incapable of love, I also don’t think he feels hurt like I am riddled with right now. How can two weeks with someone feel like a lifetime when your heart is beginning to shatter?
I won’t stay, I can’t.
He might not think it, but I am worth more than this.
I deserve the respect of a man who gives himself to me without guards up. I deserve everything without conditions.
The tears that have been pouring down my face since I stepped into the elevator are drying up. I will not give him the power to do this to me.
When I was growing up, through high school, I would remind myself often that I was strong and I wouldn’t let anyone pull me down. I went through the normal self-doubt about how I looked and who I was, but I was determined that no one would ever make me feel less than I could be. And although Nicholas has never said or done anything to push me down, his actions are forcing me into a toxic place where no one should be. Where I am accepting that it is okay to love through the hurt. It has to stop, and the only one who can do that is me.
I know it’s time to do what I should have done after Rome—walk away and protect my heart. I scoop up all the pieces of my heart, lock them away, and slowly when the time is right, I will put them back together.
I strip off this dress that I had been fantasizing all night, about how I couldn’t wait for it to fall from Nicholas’s hands to the floor and all that would follow. Instead, I lay it gently on his bed along with the shoes and jewelry that all belong to him. I won’t need it where I’m going.
I collect my small number of things and leave all the expensive makeup, perfume, and beauty products that he had delivered here today. I can’t take them. This world is not for me, and in a way, all these gifts feel like they are tarnished by what money brings. I have finally discovered that money doesn’t buy happiness like we all believe. To Nicholas, all it has brought him is loneliness and sadness.
Is it worth it? I hope he can see the answer is no.
Taking one last look in the apartment that I never even got to stay the night in, I take a deep breath. I can feel Nicholas all around me, and I want to take part of him with me.
Who am I kidding, every part of me has Nicholas burned into it. There will never be a moment he won’t be with me. I may be walking away from the physical, but his soul is buried so deep inside me that I know I will never let it go. Thoughts of his mother, a woman I’ll never get to meet in person, makes me sad that this is how she lived her life. Finding your soul mate and losing him again so quickly is a pain Sally has carried her whole life. Hopefully I will have her strength to move on like she did.
I know what I need to do, and I can’t waste any more time. Pressing the elevator button, the doors open, and I step inside, closing my eyes as the doors close again. Drawing on every bit of strength I can muster, I walk away.
* * *
“He just dumped you at his place and left? Not giving you a reason.” Lou is standing in my bedroom as I throw clothes into a bag.
