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“That would involve talking to me, and that’s a skill he seriously lacks sometimes. He probably planned on coming home and fucking his problems out on me, but not this time. That’s not healthy. He needs to work his shit out, and I’m not going to be his personal ‘sex’ therapist for him to release whatever is ailing him. Not a sex therapist in the true sense, because Lordy, he doesn’t have any problems in that department, but someone that can make him understand that sex doesn’t fix everything.”
“Flynn wouldn’t tell me what was happening, but I think it was because he genuinely didn’t know. Men!” She flops down onto my bed still in her dress and fully put together. I, on the other hand, am standing here in blue jeans, a white t-shirt, runners, and all traces of the night wiped from my face. My pale skin is on show and my eyes are puffy from crying, giving away the real me. My hair is brushed out and pulled back in a ponytail to keep it under control and out of my eyes.
“So, I’m guessing by the clothes in the bag that you are going to come and stay with me for a few days until this settles down. I can be the gatekeeper, and when he comes looking for you, which he will, I’ll happily tell him to fuck off.” Lou sits up and looks at me, but with the look I’m giving her, I can tell she is starting to worry.
“Tori… what’s the bag for?”
“I’m leaving tonight on the Eurostar to Paris, then I’ll see where I go from there.”
Elouise jumps up from the bed in an impressive move since she’s still all dressed up. “No, you’re not! Don’t be ridiculous. Sit your ass on that bed and calm the fuck down. You don’t even know how to travel except in a private plane where you’re wined, dined, and fucked in style.”
“Lou!”
“What, it’s true. You complained you were worried he would run, and now that’s exactly what you’re doing. You don’t have the money to just quit a dream job and take off to who knows where.” With her hands on my shoulders, she pushes me to sit down.
I look up at her. “Dream job, yeah, right! Working with Theo!” I get agitated just thinking about the dick and the way he treated me tonight. “I will never be able to go back there, because he will always act that way, and Daddy will never sack him for his behavior, so that dream job went up in flames earlier tonight.” Pushing back up off the bed, I grab more clean underwear from my drawer, shoving it in my bag.
Lou is right, I don’t have a lot of money, but I have enough. I can stay in hostels until I can pick up some waitressing or a job somewhere doing anything. But I know I can’t stay here. I need to get away from him, otherwise I will give in, and tomorrow night I will be back in his bed again. And that’s a thought I can’t even think about now.
“So, get another job.” Lou is getting upset. I can see it in her body language that she is starting to realize I’m serious.
“I need to do this. You know I have always dreamed of traveling one day. Well, it’s just happening sooner than I thought. I have to do this. Shit, I was ready to give up my dreams for this man. Someone who can’t share himself fully with me. I don’t want to be that woman who looks back on her life and regrets something.”
I can’t tell her that I already know the thing I will most likely regret will actually be walking away from Nicholas, because if I say that out loud, it will be the final straw and break me.
“I thought you loved him.” Her voice is barely more than a whisper.
“I do, and that is why I need to do this.” Zipping up my bag, I take my passport from my top drawer. I can’t believe that I’m about to use it for a second time in two weeks. It sat in this drawer so long, waiting for me to take a leap.
“When is your train?” The tears are already falling from her eyes.
“I have fifteen minutes to make it back to the station to get the train that will get me into London, with only twenty minutes to spare to make it to the last Paris train of the night. I’ve already got a ticket online. Now get up and hug me.”
Pulling her into my arms and letting all my fears show, I hug her like my life depends on it.
“Stay safe. And if you don’t send me multiple proof-of-life pictures a day, I will hunt you down, woman.” We are both crying now, and it’s messy, rambling words between us that we are both trying to say in hurry.
“I have to go.” Pulling back from her, I take a look at the person who always stops me from doing stupid things, and I know she wants to do it again right now but won’t. “I’ll be back, I promise.” I grab her for one last embrace and then pick up my bag, swinging it onto my shoulder, nearly knocking myself over with the weight of it since I have packed way too much. Lou has a key to my house, and I know without even asking that she will clean out the fridge, water my plants, and keep it like a shrine, begging every day that I will be home soon.
“Promise you won’t talk to any other weird man on the train,” she says, trying to break the tears with a joke.
“Only if you promise to stay away from Flynn. These rich boys don’t play fair with your heart. Take it from me.” I’m about to break down, and I find myself turning and almost running out of the house down the street toward the station. I need air to hold myself together.
Sitting back in the train seat, my bag beside me, the reality of what I’m about to do hits me.
Nicholas is going to hate me, but maybe that’s what we both need. Anger is his go-to emotion. I need him to leave me alone until I can learn to feel any emotion again that doesn’t involve him.
Nothing unusual for me to be running late, I push myself to make it down the platform and catch the Paris train by barely one minute before the announcement comes over the speakers that we are about to depart.
Sending the last picture of me on English soil for a while to Lou, I ask her to give the message to Nicholas that I’m sorry, before I shut down my phone. I know it won’t be long before it starts blowing up with calls and messages from him, and I can’t cope with that just yet. Who knows, maybe I will never be able to, but my new motto is, one day at a time.
It's as much as my brain can cope with.
Laying my head back on the seat, I close my eyes, but I know I won’t sleep. Instead, the vision of Nicholas standing above me as I worship him on my knees is on replay in my head.
God, what have I done!
NICHOLAS
