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“That’s, uh, not what I was going to say,” I stammer.
Alindra turns back to me, her eyes shining. I run my fingers through my hair, then sigh. Talk to her, Aloserin said. What are you so afraid of? Rowan demanded.
Well, this. I’m afraid of exactly this. I let my hand drop to my side and meet her gaze.
“Look at me,” I say.
Alindra blinks, then runs her hand across her eyes. “I— I see you,” she says.
I shake my head. “No,” I snap. “No, you don’t.”
My heart races inside my chest. I’d come up with this idea sometime early this morning, as I stared at the shadows above my bed and tried to think of a way to make her understand. This was the worst, most humiliating idea I had. I told myself it wouldn’t come to that.
Voids damn it. I grit my teeth and begin to unbutton my shirt.
Alindra’s breath catches again, a sharp little gasp. I ignore her and force my fingers to close around the cloth, the hard little buttons, the irritatingly small holes. I had to learn to do everything over again when I lost my arm, and I was still crap at most of it.
But how else could I make her understand?
My shirt falls open, then slips off my right side. I close my eyes; I still hate the sight of my own skin, that twisting mess of scar tissue where Rowan pulled me back together. And I’ve never let anyone else see it, at least not on purpose.
Not before today.
I hiss through my teeth, then force myself to open my eyes. Alindra is staring at me with her hand pressed over her mouth. Tears wink in the corners of her eyes.
“This is why,” I growl, glaring down at the angry tangle of scars. “Look at me. I’m a wreck. I can’t be any kind of partner.”
My vision starts to blur. I shake my head, blinking angrily. Something warm brushes against my wrist.
“Phae,” Alindra whispers.
I look up, through a rush of stupid, stupid tears, and see Alindra smiling at me as her fingers rest on my wrist.
“You’re beautiful,” she says.
It’s my turn to laugh like a caged animal. I pull away from her touch to run my hand over my own eyes.
“Did you,” Alindra begins, in a trembling voice. “Did you want to stay here? With me?”
I laugh again, and it’s almost a bark. Like it’s hilarious how horribly this conversation is going. It’s an absolute riot how bad I am at talking about how I feel.
“Fuck,” I growl, looking up at her. “Of course I wanted to stay with you.”
She makes another sharp little gasp, like she’s hurt, and then she presses her hands to her eyes. So now I’ve said the wrong thing. Great.
“Phaedron,” Alindra announces from behind her hands. “I don’t need you to hold me.”
I blink. “What?”
She drops her hands and stares at me. Her eyes gleam with tears, but her mouth is pulled tight. She looks almost angry.
“In your cabin,” Alindra says. “That, uh. That night.”
Her cheeks glow, and I clear my throat. Yes. I remember that night, when I so thoroughly fucked everything up.
“You said you couldn’t even hold me,” she continues. “Well, I don’t need you to hold me. I’m perfectly capable of standing on my own.”
Her voice drops off, leaving the wordsyou idiotunspoken but heavily implied.
