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“We only have one way of identifying our heartmate. The male’s mating cock rises for her. The gods built us this way so we would never question our destiny, so the bond with our mate will not break, not even in death. But I’ve lost this ability, this privilege. Destroyed it through my selfish needs. I will never know for sure who my sholani is. I will never be able to bond with a female in a way that leaves no doubt.”
“You’ve been conditioned by hundreds of years of culture and biology to think that’s the only way a zyanthan male can recognize his sholani. Humans don’t have a definitive biological indicator. We have to go with our instincts and chemistry. There is no guarantee, but we make it work. If we were to cave to the fear of being wrong, then we’d all live very lonely existences. Maybe you have to learn to trust your heart to find your sholani. I mean the term sholani stands for heartmate, doesn’t it?”
“It does but relying on one’s heart leaves too much room for error.”
“You don’t like risk, do you?”
“No.”
“Then maybe we aren’t destined to be together. Because I’m willing to take a chance on you. I only wish you’d look at who I am and how you feel about me and give that as much weight as some body part rising.”
“When a male’s mating cock tells him he’s found his sholani, there is no question. It’s why there is no divorce or unwanted younglings on my world.”
“Except the eeshone.”
“Yes, except the eeshone.”
“What does it say about a society that reveres a sholan and sholani, but rejects an eeshone born to them? If your gods destine that mating, then why aren’t their children considered sacred, even if the child’s skin, hair, eye, and horn colors do not match other zyanthans?”
“I cannot explain it. I have only known one eeshone. Havok. He fights for our people as hard as any other warrior. I do not see a difference, other than those you stated.”
“Maybe there is more than one way for a sholan to find a sholani. Maybe a mating cock that rises for more than one woman means he has more choices. Skaggs told me about one of his crewmates, Melikk, who mated a human, Lucy. They’ve had a child together, so clearly, their union is more than a pleasure mating. Melikk’s first sholani was pregnant with their youngling when she was killed in the war. Melikk’s had two sholanis. Do you believe that was a fluke, an oddity of nature, and that there is only one sholani for each sholan? That if one heartmate dies, the other will never know love?”
Maggie had many valid points, but how could he commit to her without being sure? Maggie stirred more than his cocks. She stirred his soul.
“I do not know this male you speak of, but if he found another sholani, it’s because the gods blessed him. Finding a second sholani in life only happens to worthy males.”
“And you don’t feel you’re worthy? For even one sholani?”
“I believe I’m worthy, but I don’t believe I’ll ever have the honor. I defied the gods, by taking a drug to change what they created. I destroyed what they gave me, and now I must live with the consequences.”
Still holding the sheet in front of her, Maggie walked on her knees to the edge of the bed, to look him straight in his eyes. “I may not remember our first time together, but I remember yesterday clearly. You had two very hard cocks inside me. Your mating cock did more than rise.”
“Maggie…”
“Ah, okay. I understand now. That’s not the first time you’ve used it with a woman, then. Nothing sets me apart from the others you’ve been with.”
He’d never used his mating cock before. The doctors had warned him not to even try for he’d fail spectacularly and word would spread of his impairment. Truthfully, he had never wanted to use his mating cock…. not until Maggie.
He now knew the doctors had been wrong. He could stay hard inside a female and release inside her. He could sire younglings, but would it be right to have them with a female who may not be his sholani?
He cupped her cheek. “Since my mating cock can perform for any female, I will never know who my sholani is. Being with the right woman, with the female the gods intend for me, is more important than anything.”
She bit her bottom lip and clutched the sheet tighter against her chest. Drekk, the words had not come out right. They’d sounded better in his head. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he’d done just that. That was part of the problem. No matter what he did, he risked hurting her.
“There has to be research on it. Or we can find someone to research it.”
He would never understand how the female who grew up during coalition rule could remain so positive, so determined, and certain that anything was possible. Zirkov smoothed back the blonde bangs that covered her expressive eyes.
“You need to forget about this, about me, and move on with your life. I must do the same.”
Maggie wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. Languidly, her tongue slid across his lips, giving him one last chance to taste her. When her lips left him, she didn’t pull away. Instead, Maggie leaned her forehead against his. If only she knew the significance of that simple act reserved for family.
“I don’t think I can forget,” she said, their foreheads still touching. “Nor do I want to. Everything else that’s happened to me lately, yes, but not you.”
He hadn’t pressed foreheads to another person since he’d visited two of his brothers four years ago. He’d almost forgotten the depth of emotion the ritual held, especially with one’s…
No, she was not his sholani.
