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It’s just not fair.
♦
It’s dark whenI wake up. The TV is off and there’s a small table lamp across the living room that provides a soft glow that lets me see no one else is with me. I push up from the couch and stretch. I take stock of how I feel, expecting to be sore in my lower belly, but I don’t feel anything. I see the kitchen is empty, only the light above the stove on.
I listen and am greeted with total silence, but I can feel Bain’s presence in this house. Besides that, I know he’d never leave me alone without having some plan in place. He’d never leave without saying goodbye or letting me know where he was going.
After I fold the blanket and toss it on top of the pillow, I pad through the silent house to the master bedroom. I try to process my feelings as I see Bain asleep on the bed. The lamp on my side is still on. Bain is wearing a T-shirt and the covers are around his waist. I know without peeling them back he’s got on a pair of pajama bottoms. Normally, we sleep naked and I know he slept naked before he met me. It says a lot that he dressed before sleep tonight, almost like it’s armor.
I understand where he’s coming from. I don’t want to open myself up to any type of intimacy, and I’m not talking about the sexual type. Having clothes on provides a barrier. It sends a message.
Bain’s duffel is on the bench at the end of the bed, opened and full of the clothes he’s kept here. He leaves tomorrow for a four-day road trip. Then he’s back for one day and off again for two more road games. He’ll be gone seven days in total.
This wasn’t the original plan. At least not for Bain. He announced to me when we got home from the hospital yesterday that he wasn’t going on the road trips and that he’d already talked about it with Coach West.
He didn’t discuss it with me.
Just told me that was what he was doing.
It resulted in an argument and I refused to let him stay home. “I don’t need you here,” I said. “I’m not dying or anything.”
Bain’s expression was a mixture of wariness and hurt, but he finally acquiesced because I gave him no choice. That’s when Drake and Brienne showed up to make plans to babysit me while the team was away. They’re all concerned to leave me alone for that much time. Ultimately, it’s left to Brienne to stay behind and watch the boys as well as watch over me. It’s a job she will gladly do, and it’s not the first time she’s had to take care of me when I was down.
I tiptoe into the bathroom and gently shut the door. I pee and change out my menstrual pad, feeling nothing at all at the slight brown spotting. It’s expected. After I wash my hands, I brush my teeth and wash my face. After applying moisturizer, I stare at myself in the mirror.
My eyes are bloodshot. I’ve had crying bouts here and there. They crop up out of nowhere and nothing in particular sets them off. If Bain was around when it happened, he merely pulled me into his arms and held me. If I didn’t want to be held, I’d go into the bathroom to cry in private. I’d bite down hard on a towel so I couldn’t be heard.
My skin is pale, my eyes look sunken. Is that because I’m tired or does loss physically change how you look?
I press my hand to my lower belly. It’s as flat as it was the day before when I was pregnant. It feels normal to me, as if the last week has been nothing but a dream unfulfilled. I lift my sweatshirt and stare at my stomach. I wonder what it would have looked like all rounded.
There’s a soft tap against the door and I drop my sweatshirt. Taking in a breath, I open it to see Bain standing there. His hair is mussed, indicating he’d been sleeping for a bit. He rubs his palm across his stubbled jaw. “You okay?”
“Yeah… just getting ready for bed.”
“Want me to make you something to eat?” he asks. I haven’t had much all day. Some soup at lunch.
I shake my head. “I’m not hungry.”
Bain takes my hand and tugs at my fingers. “You have to eat, Kiera.”
I pull my hand away and try to move past him. “I’m not hungry.”
He steps into my path, hands going to my shoulders. His face is an open book of concern, so painfully sincere that it feels like a punch to the gut. “I know how sad you are, but you need to take care of yourself.”
He just doesn’t get it.
Rage explodes within me and I slap his hands away. “I’m sorry I can’t be as fucking strong as you, Bain. You’re just going to have to give me a hot minute to process.”
He reaches out to touch my arm, but I flinch away. He seems unperturbed, his expression patient, and it makes me feel lonelier than ever. “Why aren’t you upset?” I lash out, suddenly bitter. “Why aren’t you angry or sad or… anything?”
“I am,” he says quietly. “I am upset. But right now, I need to be here for you.”
“Like you could understand!” I snap, sidestepping him and moving to my side of the bed.
“You could try explaining it to me,” he says, and when I glance back, he’s standing in the same spot, his arms crossed over his chest. “Because I’ve tried to talk to you about it all day and you keep shutting me down.”
I throw my arms out. “Well, I’m sorry, Bain. Sorry I can’t be there to comfort you just now.”
