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Christ, I know how ridiculous and petulant I sound, but all the nasty feelings inside me are coming out in word vomit.
“I’m not asking for comfort,” he says through gritted teeth, the first time his calm veneer has cracked all day. “Just for some conversation. You’re not the only one who lost something.”
A hysterical laugh bubbles up. “What exactly did you lose, Bain? In fact, what exactly did I lose? That baby was a mistake and you know it. We weren’t a couple. We weren’t trying to get pregnant. We weren’t looking to build a future. We had shitty luck but then tried to put on a happy face and make the best of a situation neither of us wanted.” My voice pitches higher, my words coming out over erratic breathing and I feel like I’m spiraling out of control. “In fact, now that I think about it, why aren’t we both rejoicing? Now we can go back to just being fuck buddies. Except I’m going to have to insist we double up on the birth control because no way am I ever fucking going through this again.”
Those last words are screamed at him and I’m pleased to see he recoils. I hope it hurt because I want to make sure he feels as bad as I do.
As ludicrous as that may sound, and despite the fact I’ve never wished pain on another person, I want Bain to suffer along with me.
Sadly, he probably is and I’m now doubling it, but I can’t seem to find it within me to care.
“Do you even want me here?” he asks, his lips pressed into a flat line.
I suck in air, trying to expand the tightening in my chest. I feel smothered and out of control. Shaking my head, I turn my back on him as I pull the covers down on my side of the bed. “I think I’d like to be alone tonight.”
Sliding under the sheet, I roll over on my side and give him my back. I curl into a protective ball and wait with tensed muscles for him to touch me. I fully expect him to slide in too, spoon his big body around mine and try to soothe me, despite the claws I keep raking down his heart.
Instead, I hear him zip up his duffel and his footsteps whisper across the carpet. He doesn’t close the bedroom door behind him on the way out, but the minute he’s gone, I can tell. His presence has always been tangible to me and now I feel like I’m in a void.
I hear the front door open and then close again. I know Bain will lock it behind him with his key, but I never hear the click of protection.
Frowning, I roll out of bed to see where he went. Maybe he didn’t leave and the prospect of it makes me feel better. Or rather, lessens the shitty feeling for running him off.
I move through the silent house.
I can feel he’s gone, no doubt.
When I reach the front door, I see the dead bolt isn’t engaged.
Then my eyes land on the small demilune table that rests against the wall.
My house key sits there, stark against the dark cherry wood.
It’s a clear indication that Bain isn’t coming back.
CHAPTER 31
Bain
Stepping off thebus, I hitch the strap of my duffel over my shoulder and turn for the lobby doors.
“Come on out with us,” Hendrix says. “We’re going to grab some food, maybe a beer.”
I glance over my shoulder, see him standing with Boone and Camden. They invited me on the bus, but I declined. They’re being persistent because as far as they know, I have no valid reason for declining. We’re in Montreal, an amazing city, and we’re riding high off defeating the Wizards tonight in a very close battle.
“Not tonight,” I say with a wave of my hand.
I barely make it to the lobby doors when someone pulls on my duffel strap to stop my progress. I turn to see Camden, frowning at me. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Just tired.”
“Bullshit,” he says and glances back at Hendrix and Boone waiting on him. He waves them off. “You guys go on ahead and grab a table. I’ll be there in a minute.”
Hendrix and Boone walk off and Camden steps back from the lobby doors, indicating for me to do the same since other players are heading into the hotel.
“What the fuck is going on? You’ve been nearly mute since you got on the plane for the trip here.”
I rub the back of my neck, which has been in tight knots since Kiera miscarried. I’m clearly storing every bit of stress right there. “Kiera lost the baby day before yesterday.”
