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But it hurts more because Bain hasn’t reached out. Not that I would lump him in with people who “love” me, but I thought he would check in.
I mean… he did. Texted me the morning after he left to see how I was feeling. I told him I was fine and that was that.
He didn’t text again.
Didn’t call.
And God help me, I’m angry about it, even though I’m the one who told him to leave. I drop the doughnut onto the table and rub my aching temple. I’ve cried a lot this week, which has left me with a perpetual headache.
My gaze lifts to Brienne. “There’s a good chance I’m very fucked up in the head.”
I get a soft smile of understanding. “You’ve had a hard week, Kiera. It would fuck up anyone’s head. Losing a baby… I can’t even imagine so I’m not sure—”
“See,” I blurt out, “I’m not sure that’s really driving things for me. I mean, yes… it was awful having the miscarriage. I wouldn’t wish that on my mortal enemy. It was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me… just watching that life fade out and I had no control over it. But…” My words trail off as I try to compose my thoughts. It’s tough for me to admit this. “I don’t know that I’m grieving the loss of the pregnancy anymore.”
Brienne nods as if she understands. “You weren’t trying to get pregnant. It wasn’t something you wanted in your life at this time, so it makes sense the loss wouldn’t be the same as if you were trying to get pregnant.”
My head bobs. I pick at the doughnut, bringing a tiny piece to my mouth. “Once we decided to keep it and make a go of it together, I was invested. But Brienne… it was barely two weeks from the time I found out I was pregnant until I lost it. It was easy for me to be circumspect… to tell myself this wasn’t meant to be, that this wasn’t the right time. And as I sit here right now, I can tell you with a clear conscience that I accept that.”
“Not a lot of time to wrap your head around it,” she murmurs. “It all happened so fast.”
“I think I was more invested in what I was building with Bain.”
There. My dirty secret is out. I’m mourning the loss of Bain more than anything.
“I can see that,” Brienne says. “The pregnancy was a catalyst to get you two to take a chance on a relationship. I bet in that two weeks, you bonded in ways you hadn’t ever imagined.”
“And then the baby was gone, and now so is Bain.” I duck my head sheepishly. “I fell for him, Brienne.”
She doesn’t say anything but taps a finger on the table. “Drake has been talking to him. He told me that you kicked him out and he left his key behind.”
“I wouldn’t say I kicked him out. I told him I wanted to be alone that night, but I understand why he left the key. I wasn’t exactly nice to him.”
“If it makes you feel better, I believe Bain understands why you did what you did.”
“Really?” I ask, unable to contain the blatant and desperate hope in my tone.
“He’s torn up about a lot of stuff. He’s confused and upset about how you reacted to him and I don’t think he had anyone to help him process the loss.”
“Oh God,” I say, my hand covering my mouth and my eyes immediately welling with tears. Yes, more tears. Apparently, I’m not cried out. My voice is watery. “He wanted to talk about it. He wanted to help me as I think that made him feel better, and I pushed him away. I was so blind with anger and sadness, he was the easiest one to lash out at. I did that to him and what he really needed was someone to take care of him too.”
Brienne reaches across the table and grasps my hand. “Cut yourself a break. There’s no playbook on how to handle this. You do the best you can and if your best wasn’t good enough, you fix it.”
“But how? What do I do? Is Bain even interested in fixing this? He hasn’t tried to contact me since he left. It’s been four days of silence.”
“I don’t know,” she says. “I expect the first step would be to reach out to him. Tell him you want to talk.”
I frown. “As simple as that?”
She grins at me and shakes her head. “No, I don’t think it’s going to be simple at all. You two are on shaky ground. You both suffered a loss and are still trying to cope with the aftermath. And both of you are trying to figure shit out on your own when you need to be supporting each other. You have to explore whether you have anything worth pursuing.”
“I doubt he’ll want to talk. He hasn’t even tried to reach out to me.”
“Did you give him any reason to believe you’d want that?” she queries.
“No, but, Brienne… our relationship was never supposed to be a relationship. It was only sex and fun times. If it weren’t for the baby, we would still be having casual sex in secret.”
She arches an eyebrow. “You really believe that? Because if there wasn’t already some foundation there before you found out you were pregnant, no way in hell both of you would have so easily agreed to give it a go.”
