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“Yeah,” he says, and I don’t think he’s sugarcoating things. “I think Kiera cares for you and once the clouds lift, she’ll be able to focus on that again.”
I nod, feeling a bit energized. Or maybe that’s the Jack.
“And listen,” Drake says, “I’m here for you. I get she wasn’t able to support you emotionally, but I’ve got you. If you want to talk about the miscarriage or the swirl of emotions you have going on, I’ll let you cry on my shoulder.”
His tone is joking to lighten the mood, but I know he truly means it.
“Thanks,” I say, holding up the bottle. “This talk has already helped a lot.”
CHAPTER 32
Kiera
My doorbell ringsand I put my phone on mute as I listen to the weekly nurses’ meeting for the practice I work for. I’ve been working remotely for four months now, and these weekly meetings help keep me bridged with my coworkers.
I see Brienne on my front porch and sigh as I open the door to let her in. She’s got a box of doughnuts in one hand and a cardboard tray with coffees in the other.
I nod toward the kitchen. “I’m just finishing up a meeting. I’ll be done in about ten minutes.”
Brienne wastes no time getting to work on cleaning my kitchen. I’m a neat freak by nature, but I haven’t felt like doing much of anything the last few days. My motivation has been nearly nonexistent, and it’s taking everything for me to even log in to my job this week. I called into the nurses’ meeting rather than Zoom because I know I look like shit and I don’t want anyone seeing me this way.
When I end the call, I say, “I was going to do that this morning.”
“Sure you were,” Brienne says as she rinses plates and places them in the dishwasher. “Just like I’m sure you were going to brush your hair at some point today.”
I rake my fingers through my long locks and try to remember when I last ran a brush through it. I washed it last night when I showered, but I went straight to bed and didn’t even bother combing out the tangles.
I sullenly refuse to reply, instead leveling an attack. “Why are you here? I’m in the middle of my workday and really don’t have time to chat.”
“Tough shit,” she says, rinsing her hands and drying them on a towel. “You can’t shut everyone out and not expect me to show up. Your brother is beside himself because you’re not responding to his texts and—”
“I’m responding.”
“Thumbs-up and smiley-face emojis don’t count,” she says, rolling right over me. “And you won’t return my calls, so how can you be surprised I’m here?”
“I’ve been busy with work,” I mutter, pushing up out of my chair and moving to the fridge. I grab a bottle of water.
I expect her to call bullshit on me again, but she grabs the doughnuts and coffee and carries them to the table. I grit my teeth when she closes my laptop and nods at the chair. “Come eat some doughnuts.”
I’ve been in such a crappy mood for going on five days straight, I almost grumble that I don’t want her doughnuts, but truthfully… I’m hungry. My appetite returned yesterday, but I haven’t had any motivation to go to the grocery store.
With a huff, I plop into one of the chairs and pull out a chocolate-frosted pastry. Nibbling at it, I stare at her. I know she’s here to talk, but I’m going to make her work for it.
Brienne ignores the doughnuts but takes the top off one of the coffees, blowing across the steaming java, which sends the delicious fragrance my way. I break immediately and take the other coffee.
“How are you doing physically?” she asks, her tone clinical… almost shrewd.
“Good, actually,” I admit. “The spotting is almost gone and I haven’t had any cramping at all since the D&C.”
Brienne nods with a soft smile. Happy my body is feeling okay and I’m sure happy to see me be able to sayD&Cwithout crying.
Truth of the matter, the swirling emotions ranging from grief to anger to regret to confusion had a solid hold on me for the first three days, but that’s mostly gone. Only anger was left behind. I came out of the fog and… my life was back the way it was before I ever met Bain. Except now, I know what it’s like to have Bain, and I mean haveallof him—heart, body, mind—and now I don’t.
I’m mad at him and I’m mad at myself, but I’m not sure either of us is actually to blame. In addition to the anger, I feel lost. Like I don’t even know who I am or what I want.
“Why are you hiding yourself away from everyone who loves you?” she asks.
That actually hurts. Because yes… I’ve been ignoring both Drake and Brienne and that’s not fair to them. I know how worried they are.
