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“Before tonight only Mason, Ivy, and my mother knew about it. I’m embarrassed to admit the truth.”
“Why?” he asked, pushing his glass to the edge of the bar and covering it with a coaster. He was done drinking, but not asking questions, apparently. “It’s not like you had any control over it, Lance. I’m sure it’s inconvenient, but you must have found work arounds for it.”
“I have, but…” I waved my hand in the air. “Never mind. I’m just frustrated and sad tonight. I shouldn’t be here.”
“We’re a pair, aren’t we? You think you don’t deserve to love a woman and I love a woman too much.”
“No,” I said instantly, slapping my palm down on the counter. “You can’t love someone too much, Shep. You love a woman so much. That’s the word you’re looking for. You love her so much that you want real, living, breathing pieces of her to multiply in your life. Is that fair?”
He thought about it for a few seconds before he nodded. “Since you put it that way, yes. I’ve loved Ivy nearly my entire life, and when she gave me Lucy, the love I had for my wife doubled. She went through so much and when they laid that little girl in my arms, I was in awe of Lucy, but more of Ivy for what she had done for me.”
“Then I would say when you go home tonight, put that in the forefront of your mind when you talk to her. Hear what she’s saying and then try to ferret out if she doesn’t want more kids, or if she’s just overwhelmed by the idea of another child with the way things are right now. Once you know which one it is, then you can work together to find a solution.”
He patted my back once and nodded. “Great advice. I guess I let my own fear and insecurities get in the way of listening to not just what she was saying, but how she was saying it.”
“You’d better be getting on then before she sends Gabe out to find you.” He chuckled until I glanced at him. “You know she would if she thought you were in danger.”
“I already texted her that I was fine and just taking a walk. I’ve learned my lesson about not keeping her informed. Last time I nearly died of an asthma attack.”
“Seems like everyone is coming apart at the seams a bit this Christmas. Or maybe that’s just how it feels to me in light of my life lately.”
“Maybe you feel that way on the inside, but on the outside, you’re holding things together, Lance. I remember when my dad died. They had to sedate me because I ended up in the hospital from an asthma attack. Those first few days, every time I thought about it, my chest locked up and I couldn’t breathe. Your mom would be proud of your strength and emotional fortitude, but more so, she’d be proud of the man you are today. Regardless of what happened tonight with Indie, you can fix it. You know that, right?”
“Maybe, maybe not,” I said on a shrug as though I didn’t care about the answer. I did. I so did. “She hasn’t texted or called, so she’s probably moving out of my house as we speak.”
“Doubtful,” he said, spinning toward me. “She’s in a weird place too, Lance. Did you give her a chance to respond to what you told her? Is that why you’re upset?”
I shook my head and stared at my phone that was still dark as coal. “No. See, we were working on the new cookie for the cookie walk this year and she asked me to read her the recipe while she added ingredients. It was our first test batch.” He nodded and I sighed, my shoulders slumping. “She kept asking me to read her the ingredients, but the card was in my mom’s handwriting instead of the code we used to use.”
“Code?”
“Long story, but we used shapes for common things, like my name and important phone numbers. The rest of the time I have a special pen I use. Anyway, my pen doesn’t work on handwriting and since it wasn’t in code, I couldn’t read it. Just imagine if you were looking at something written in a foreign language and you didn’t recognize any of it. Would that make you anxious?” He nodded. “Well, that’s what it’s like for me every day. I can’t recognize letters. Not even something as simple as the word no. I should have just told her, but I freaked out and got scared. It wasn’t her fault, but I yelled that I couldn’t read and took off, leaving her at the bakery alone. I can’t face having that discussion with her, Shep. Like, I can’t physically stomach the thought of seeing pity in her eyes when she realizes it’s from the accident. She’ll be like, ‘I really like you, Lance, but I want more out of life than you can offer me.’ And, hey, I get that, but it sucks.”
Shep waved his hand in the air. “So wait. You never gave her a chance to respond, but you’re already convinced she’s going to want more out of life than spending it with you?”
“I’ve dated plenty of women who have done the same thing. I get it, but Indie is special, and I just wanted a little more time with her.”
“That’s because you love her,” he said, and I nodded rather than speak. “It’s not exactly a well-kept secret, Lance. We all see it. But, here’s the thing. It’s not one-sided. We can all see that Indie feels the same way about you, whether you’ve admitted that to each other or not yet. Here’s my point. You’re not being fair to Indie by automatically assuming she’s going to walk when you never gave her a chance to tell you why she wants to stay.”
“What does that mean?” My phone rang and I glanced at it, Indie’s face filling the screen. I hit decline immediately.
“Was that her?”
“Yep, but I can’t talk to her right now.”
“Wait, though. She’s reaching out, not running away, and you’re going to ignore her? You never gave her a chance to ask questions, or even to understand what you meant when you yelled at her. You can’t expect her to stay if you don’t give her a reason to, right?”
“I know I have to talk to her, but I’ve kept it a secret for so long that now it’s awkward explaining why.”
“Not at all,” he promised me, walking with me to the front door of the bar after we put our coats on. “Indie knows about the accident. You just start there, and the history will unfold naturally. All you have to do is hang on until the end when she understands it. I promise you that she’s not going to walk away. She loves you too much.”
I hunkered against the wind as we stepped out the door of the bar. “Come on, I’ll walk you home to make sure you get there in one piece,” I said, heading up the sidewalk. “My boss would whip me with a wet noodle in the morning if I didn’t.”
Shep punched me in the shoulder with laughter on his lips. “I won’t die walking two blocks home.”
His phone rang and he glanced at it, Ivy’s face filling the screen. He swiped it open and answered. “I’m headed home. Lance told me his boss would whip him with a wet noodle in the morning if I didn’t.” He paused and then nodded. “Yeah, I ran into him and we were talking.” He was quiet again and then said ‘sure’ before he hung up.
“See, she’s worried about you,” I said as we neared the diner.
