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So much for time alone.
“I got chicken Pad Thai, no spicy, extra sauce, no green onions. I also got beef fried rice with extra eggs and crab puffs.”
He motioned to the kitchen table chair while I stared at him. I took my seat and crossed my arms. I hated how well he still knew me. This had been our Friday night order from the moment we could drive.
“Okay then…talk,” I waited for him to start.
I took a bite of one of the puffs. The cheese warmed my mouth, and the crunching was loud in my ears. Erik took a deep breath. His thumb and middle finger tapped repeatedly. He was nervous.
“Why are you avoiding me?”
“I’m not.”
“Oh, please, Blake. Whenever I look in your direction, you make it a point to look away. Every time I walk toward you, you walk away. Unless it is imperative, you don’t even breathe in my direction. I’ll ask again...why?"
"No reason. I'm just trying to do my job and stay focused.”
“Blake Elena, I know you so much better than that. I’m insulted that you think I can’t recognize when you lie. I will sit here all night, and I’m not leaving until you’re honest with me.”
“Erik Michael, I’m not trying to avoid you,” my voice grew quieter as he forced me to admit that I had been trying to keep him further than arm’s length.
“Button, come on!”
“Stop calling me that.”
I kept my gaze focused on the food. My heart rate increased. My hands were trembling.
“Why?”
He moved closer. A taunting smile.
“Stop.”
His face was inches from mine, but I adverted my eyes to the tile floor. “Why are you avoiding me? Like right now, why won’t you even look at me?!”
“Because it’s hard, okay?!” I broke.
My hands slammed on the table so hard that all the food jumped slightly, some rice spilling off to the side of the container. I shoved the chair back. It tittered on its back legs for a millisecond before toppling to the ground. Erik backed up slightly, but nothing about my outburst surprised him.
This is who I was while Erik and I were together. Explosive. Unpredictable. We often fed off each other with loud results.
“These last few weeks have been hard when it comes to dealing with you! It hurts. It breaks my heart. It’s painful. It hurts to have all the memories playing in my head every single time that I hear your voice. It’s hard, Erik!”
My voice cracked and quivered. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I was fed up with all the crying.
“You left me…. remember?!”
“And you let me go! Do you think that was an easy decision?! It was the hardest decision I ever had to make. I left California, my home, my parents, and your parents. I left my entire life behind. You weren’t just my boyfriend; you were my best friend!”
“Button, I —”
“Color or no color,” I interrupted him, fearing that I wouldn’t be able to continue if I stopped now. “I loved you. I lost so much more than our relationship. I lost the person who knew me best, the person whom I had confided in for over twenty years. I lost part of myself, which is really shitty to say. You said some awful things the night we argued, which deeply hurt me. It pained me so much more than you’ll ever know. But driving away, knowing that you didn’t care enough about me, either as your friend or your girlfriend, to come to say goodbye broke me completely! Did you barge in here to hear that?! Did you come here to make me re-live one of the most painful moments of my life?!”
I paced in the living room for a few seconds, trying to calm down. At least this time there wasn’t any makeup on me to smear. Sadness and regret engulfed his face as he stood up. He pulled me into his arms, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
“I am so sorry, Button. I said a lot of things I didn’t mean. I was so angry and hurt that you weren’t choosing me, and I shouldn’t have taken it out the way I did.”
The scent of my childhood came off his shirt. I was transported back to that night three years ago.
