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“That’s okay. You don’t have to decide today. Sleep on this.”
I nodded. I ran out of words for the night. I gave Gabby a tight hug before I retreated to bed.
For years, my heart belonged to Erik, and his had been mine. Then I left and broke both of them in the process. Part of me would always belong to him; I knew it. I had given him a part of me with our relationship, many parts of me that I couldn’t take back. Back then, choosing him seemed like a no-brainer.
Today, as I felt the cold silk of my pillowcase press against my neck, my feelings debated whether I could still choose him. Could I go back to the life I used to know?
Like a well-crafted predictive software, my mind computed a million scenarios where Erik and I somehow ended up together without one of us sacrificing a part of ourselves. Something went wrong in every single one. A happy ending with us together was unlikely.
There was no universe in which I could give him what he wanted. He wanted the picket fence. The stay-at-home PTA mom. The picture-perfect family. I commended women who wanted that; it was a hard job. But it just wasn’t the job for me. We might have shared those dreams before, but it’s not what I wanted anymore.
Yet, for the seconds that his lips were against mine, I believed it could have been possible.
Chapter Eighteen
Sunday morning.
Forty-eight days left.
The falling weights downstairs startled me, breaking me out of my staring contest with the track. There weren’t many people at the gym, so everything echoed louder. Parker and I had agreed to run today, but I wasn’t feeling it. My hamstrings were uncomfortable as I stretched them on the track. I was hoping having him with me would push me to finish the three miles for the first time this week.
I wanted to see Parker’s reassuring grin, but my heart and brain were still reeling from Friday’s rollercoaster. Nathaniel’s warning was ringing louder in my ears. Richard’s hands on my shoulders felt heavy. Erik’s kiss was still lingering on my lips. Parker was walking up the stairs toward me.
“Hey, princess,” he kissed the top of my head.
He sat down and joined me in stretching. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything to him, fearing I would burst into tears. He didn’t question my silence since my chatting before running was usually muted. We ran our usual three miles, and I was right. Having the stupidly attractive man running beside me was definitely encouraging. We sat back down on the edge of the track to stretch.
“How was your…thing…with Erik?” he prodded.
“It was fun. He built us a fort like when we were kids, and we watched my favorite movie.”
“Legally Blonde,” he nodded along.
“Yep,” I was shocked he knew that. “He had all my favorite snacks and made chicken nuggets for dinner. It was sweet and nostalgic. It reminded me a lot of when we were kids.”
“That’s adorable,” his tone was more annoyed than complimentary. “Did he convince you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t deflect, princess.”
“Do I detect a twinge of jealousy in your tone, counselor?” I teased, trying to lighten his mood.
“I’m jealous of every man within five feet of you, Blake. Now, answer my question. Did. He. Convince. You?”
He had stopped stretching and turned to stare at me. I wasn’t prepared to get attitude from him this morning. No strings. No commitments. That was our deal. Our relationship was time-limited, so I kept reminding myself that his jealousy was an illusion. Temporary.
“I’m not sure. He kissed me at the end, and it felt…familiar.”
“He kissed you?!” he looked down at me. He paced, snapping the rubber band on his wrist.
“BUT!” I continued before he could say anything else. “It was like kissing a memory. A lot of old feelings were jumbled, but I think that's all they are. Just old feelings, but I don’t know.”
I extended my hand, and he helped me up. His pull was so rough that it lifted me entirely off the ground. I yelped slightly, and he grounded me with his hands on my hips.
I had told him about Richard kissing me before. We probably talked about Richard and Erik more than either of us wanted to. Never had he had this reaction. I looked at him, puzzled.
“I don’t like that,” he growled. “I don’t like you thinking of old feelings. I don’t like you having his lips on yours.”
